Editor’s Note: Recently discovered secret recordings of the 2002 critics’ screening of Reign of Fire, the universally panned movie about dragons set largely in post-apocalyptic Scotland, suggest that something more deliberate was at work among the nation’s top film critics. These recordings have been edited to preserve confidentiality.
RE: Are you ok? You’ve been shaking for the last hour.
LM: I’m fine, I’m fine. As soon as I saw the part of the credits that said “Visual Effects by,” I was able to stop.
RE: I understand completely. Five minutes in, I was a wreck. I just kept mumbling to myself, “They’re not real, they’re not real.”
LM: But what a masterpiece.
RE: Oh, yes. Truly a masterpiece.
[Here there is a long silence on the tape.]
LM: Of course, we can never tell a soul. I’m not wrong about that, am I?
RE: No. It is impossible. Reign of Fire may well be the greatest cinematic vision to be put to film since Orson Welles made Citizen Kane, but we must do everything in our power to make it fail.
LM: [crying] It’s all so horrible. This is our vocation! How can we do such a thing?
RE: We must. For the sake of the world, not to mention our families and loved ones, we must not let anyone believe this movie is good lest it become a success and the unthinkable occur–
[Noise as someone approaches.]
DC: Hell of a movie, eh?
[Muted agreement from RE and LM.]
DC: Sorry to interrupt – what’s unthinkable?
RE: Well, we’ve decided – how do I put this delicately? We feel that it behooves us to tank the film, despite our true admiration for what Mr. Bowman has accomplished.
DC: What? That’s insane. This movie makes Saving Private Ryan look like Dude, Where’s My Car? It’s peak McConaughey! And that Christian Bale guy has come a long way since those kid films he was in like Empire of the Sun.
LM: Friend, you don’t seem to understand. We have to. I certainly don’t want to. I’d rather climb to the roof of this theater and shout for all the world to hear, “I love Reign of Fire! You had me at ‘post-apocalyptic Scotland’!” But I also am not interested in a dragon swooping down from the clouds and swallowing me up in one gulp.
[Silence.]
DC: You think… dragons are real?
[Nervous laughter, which grows quite loud and extends perhaps longer than one would expect it should if it were real.]
RE: No! No. Of course, not, young man. We are quite aware of the ontological status of the species known as Draconis draconis.
DC: I don’t think that’s a thing.
RE: What my colleague and I are trying to say is that if dragons were discovered to be real, and I think you will find the majority of our fellow film critics agree on this, the dragons might not like it – do you follow?
DC: No.
RE: If they were real, do you think that they would be very happy to know that we had positively reviewed this film? A film that shows, in explicit detail, humans successfully killing multiple dragons?
[More silence.]
LM: The answer is no, of course!
DC: So, you think that somehow the dragons, if they were real, would read your review of this movie and track you down or something? And then…
RE: I shudder to think what might happen.
DC: But dragons aren’t real!
LM: The Titanic was real. And look what happened to them.
DC: Yes, but that was a movie about history! This is obviously fiction!
RE: I understand what you are saying, and I agree that, although this is fiction, one day the truth it articulates must be more widely known. And it will be. On that glorious day when the last dragon has been destroyed, I envision a great festival where all the peoples of the earth will gather to watch this masterpiece and acknowledge its prophetic excellence.
[Applause, presumably from LM.]
DC: But… but, there are no dragons?
LM: Yes, but what if there were? That’s what he’s trying to say.
RE: I mean, imagine if this film were to make it to the Oscars? Without question, it would sweep every category –
[Sudden sounds of LM aggressively vomiting.]
LM: [Coughing] I’m sorry, the thought of what you were implying made me sick – a whole era of Hollywood’s greatest stars wiped out in a moment! The chaos of it! The anarchy! All of the movies made after that fateful day would have no one to star in them except for nobodies and losers! C-list actors… Great Scott, D-list, even!
RE: I think we all remember what it says in the scriptures, “And there appeared another wonder in heaven: a great dragon… And his tail drew the third part of the stars of heaven, and did cast them to the earth.”
DC: You’re saying that a dragon would come to the Oscars ceremony and eat all of the attendees?
RE: Dear boy, I am beginning to wonder if you maybe do not understand what a dragon is. Yes, of course it would eat all of the attendees! Do you think it would just sit and comment on the opening monologue?
LM: Caution, friend. You shouldn’t be flippant about them.
RE: Yes, you are right. I’m sorry. I am just frustrated by this young person’s failure to grasp the gravity of the situation.
DC: Oh brother. It’s a movie. A groundbreaking, brilliant movie. The only “situation” is that the dragons in it aren’t real.
[Silence.]
DC: Well, you guys can do what you want. I’m giving it five stars. I’ve already got the title of my review in mind: “Get Stuffed, Dragons – Reign of Fire is a Classic for the Ages”. What do you think?
RE: You must be joking.
DC: It was either that or something more obscene. Maybe I’ll give it six stars, even. Six out of five.
[Long silence.]
DC: Hey, what are you doing?
[Sounds of a scuffle, growing louder, punctuated by violent sounds of fists upon flesh and loud screams. Finally, only silence remains, except for the sound of labored breathing.]
RE: I think I may have wrenched my back.
LM: He was stronger than he looked.
RE: Indeed. Alas.
LM: Do you have a title in mind for your writeup? I’m thinking I’ll do a one-starred review called, “Please Don’t Waste Your Time with This One – Stay Home and Keep Your Loved Ones Close.”
RE: Yes, something similar for me. Maybe just, “Life’s Too Short”.
Here the audio recording becomes corrupted. DC’s body was never found.
