Apparently, Economics Trumps Math, Geography, and Integrity.
High school college counselor Frank Francis anticipates his initial school year meeting with senior Dickie Dweeb, a good bet to gain admission to “a plethora of top-notch colleges and universities,” maybe as many as that kid who had made the reputation of Frank’s departmental rival.
An updated list of AP scores notes Dickie scored 5s in AP Human Geography and AP Precalculus, with a 4 earned previously in AP Macroeconomics.
After a fumbled catch-up about summer, Dweeb shocks Francis: “You know, I’m a big-time college football fan.”
Dickie’s follow-up sends Francis, veins popping from his forehead, plopping into and almost out of his wheeled desk chair: “That makes me eliminate schools and conferences from consideration.”
“Say, say what?” Francis stammers. “You want many acceptances.”
“Not possible in the reality college football realignment presents. With conferences, Athletic Directors, and Presidents pimping schools for TV contracts and big revenue hits, I don’t see many schools as good fits. Basic math? They can’t count, and their geography sucks. To start, that eliminates Illinois, Indiana, Iowa, Maryland, Michigan, Michigan State, Minnesota, Nebraska, Northwestern, Ohio State, Penn State, Purdue, Rutgers, and Wisconsin, and now even UCLA USC, UCLA, Washington, and Oregon.”
“But there’s some really prestigious . . . “
“Prestige? It’s called the Big 10? I feared people at Rutgers and USC might not be able to count to 16, but I expected Northwesterners and Michigan folks, maybe except for Jim Harbaugh, to be able to do so. Universities that would flunk basic math?”
“But . . .”
“And, don’t get me started about the Big 12. Do they have twenty schools yet? Sixteen for now, with Oklahoma and Texas leaving and the four former Pac10 teams joining. Don’t know about Oklahoma, but maybe the Austin people left because they can count past 12.”
“Have you considered SEC schools . . .”
“Even without a mistaken numerical conference name — maybe Auburn alum Charles Barkley vetoed using numbers — and with a “truth in geography” make-up and strong D-1 football, I still have a problem. Some diversity is important. With the possible exception of give-us-more-time-to-eliminate-more-Black-voters Georgia, the entire conference could be called the ‘Red State Conference.’
“Those schools also attract NIL athletes, whether students or not. In soccer, NIL equals zero, and that’s the antithesis of what boosters are paying athletes while school administrations wink at their loss of control.”
“Well,” the increasingly perplexed counselor frankly offers looking up from his personal device, “luckily there are about 125 D-1 Football Championship Schools . . .”
“Yeah, I’d hate to root for Ivy League teams, or MIT or CalTech Nerd Factories, even if they’d get the numbers right in naming conference affiliations.”
“I hear the Whittier Poets . . .”
“And, don’t get me started on conference geography. Some D-1 conferences beg for geography lessons. I’m surprised their faculty senates don’t draw the line.”
“Speaking of drawing the line, you’re going to deplete your playbook if . . .”
“And with the Pac12 now as far-gone as Bill Walton on a riff about the Grateful Dead, can you believe the other power conference, the — you ready for this – Atlantic Coast Conference, already with coastal schools such as Syracuse, Pittsburgh, and Notre Dame, is supposedly considering Cal and Stanford, if not the University of Phoenix, another school trying to come out of the ashes?”
“Well . . .”
“Geography, indeed, even outside the power conferences. The Mid-American Conference includes the Buffalo Bulls and should be called the Great Lakes Conference if named by a geographer. And, what’s with a school called Florida International in Conference USA?”
“Still . . . “
“And don’t forget, AP Geography studies topography. Yes, San Jose State, Fresno State, San Diego State, UNLV, and I guess even Hawaii, are in the West, but Mountain West? Silicon Valley an inverted mountain? A pile of raisins makes a mountain? Between-building San Diego plane landings like falling off a mountain? Thinking of the mountain of money lost in Vegas? Lava mountains in paradise? I’m running out of school possibilities with conference affiliations.”
“What about bigtime D-1 hoop conferences?” Francis pleads.
“Please. Schools from Chicago, Milwaukee, Omaha, and Indiana in the Big East? From Chicago and St. Louis in the Atlantic-10? Most big-time football and basketball schools would earn “1s or 2s” in AP Geography or AP math, even if the numbers add up selling out for economic considerations.”
“Where will you go?”
“The local community college? True to itself, football players might be in classes with me, and it surely honestly teaches subjects I find interesting. Moreover, its administration, without the pressure of big-time athletics, might demonstrate institutional integrity symbolized in contrast by the lack of geographical and mathematical conference naming falsehoods.”
“Guess we won’t need many more conferences.”
