It all started in the Adirondacks on a Saturday afternoon around 12:00 pm and ended when my Uncle Jerry royally lost his sh*t. Jerry is 47+ with firm biceps and a soft heart.
The following is a timestamped account of the events that lead to his arrest.
12:14 — It’s 88°. Mom sprays sunscreen in my mouth “on accident.”
12:17 — Hugs and kisses from greasy unattractive relatives trying to “suck in my youth.”
12:35 — Serve Yourself Buffet opens. The crowd goes WILD.
12:38 — Vicious cooler struggle, I snag the last non-diet sprite.
12:40 — Somewhere a toddler skins their knee. I pop in my AirPods.
12:42 — Uncle Jerry pats my shoulder in line and asks if he can “have at the mighty wings.” He rips off the “Boneless” label on the tray. “No such thing. It’s a typo, kid.” he chuckles and pours himself a half rum, half coke.
1:03 — We feast. Dad asks Mom if she’s “made the rounds.” She rolls her eyes. I get 3 new TikTok followers.
1:24 — Uncle Jerry takes the mic from the karaoke machine to announce that he is “looking for love and ready to commit this time.”
1:25 — Aunt Kelly receives sympathetic looks.
1:30 — Uncle Jerry finishes his “I’m a better man because I cheated” speech with a dig, “the wings—if that’s what you’d call them, loaded with sauce and rubbery as hell. Just sayin’ is all. Thank you, everyone.”
1:34 —Cousin Heidi, lawyer and host of the shindig, replies “Jerry, the wings are boneless. We ordered them special for Grandpa Neil. Enjoy!”
1:35 — Uncle Jerry asks Heidi to “clarify” her statement.
1:36 —Heidi explains, “They can be eaten whole. Boneless, okay? What is so hard to understand? Now pick a song or get off the stage!”
1:37 — “It’s NOT a wing then. That damn bird could never fly!” Jerry can’t let it go.
1:37 to 1:44 — A shouting match between the two about whether or not a chicken wing can indeed be boneless.
1:45 — Stalemate.
1:47 — I leave for the bathroom to snoop through medicine cabinets.
1:53 — Score. Full bottle of Klonopin. I send out mad dms.
2:07 — I find Uncle Jerry alone in the backyard, sitting on a tree stump sobbing. He spots me before I can make a run for it, looks me dead in the eyes and says “Lets torch this place to the ground.”
2:25 — I soothe Uncle Jerry. He opens up about his painful divorce. We bond. He embraces me and whispers “Love’s a bitch, kid.”
2:35 — Everyone’s on the lawn playing corn hole.
2:46 – Uncle Jerry stumbles onto the grass in his underwear, carrying a whole frozen chicken (unwrapped) and a bottle of Bacardi 151.
2:46 — Great Grandma Dolly faints.
2:48 — “Notice the BONES!, Uncle Jerry tears the bird limb from limb, shouting “THE WINGS! HOW THEY SNAAAAP!”
2:49 — He uses his teeth to separate the bird, exclaiming “THERE IS NO SUCH THING AS BONELESS WINGS! NOT NOW, NOT EVER!”
2:51 — “You’re gonna pay for that bird you SICKO!” Heidi shouts back.
2:52 — My “Gammie” Lucy spots me shooting a video and threatens to “report me” and “disconnect me from the internet.”
2:53 — A jogger passing by calls the police.
2:56 — Mom says “These things always end in tears.”
3:03 — The cops pull a crying, vomiting Uncle-Jerry-mess into the backseat. I zoom in on my iPhone as he pounds his saucy, bloody hands on the window. I wave goodbye.
3:05 — I get 2,347 views of my TikTok so I repost to IG. #jerrybecrazy #fyp #staysaucy