“The whole country needs to go on a weekend retreat to discover who we are and the bonds that unite us – or at least once did.” – Thomas Friedman
Dear Fellow American,
Thank you for attending the first annual Fun Retreat for American Unity Discovery, aka FRAUD Festival! According to the feedback on our comment cards, online surveys, and clips we’ve seen from a few upcoming documentaries, a whopping one hundred percent of respondents were UNITED in their opinions of the event!
Unfortunately, the unanimous opinion was that the retreat was not only an utter failure, but also a total scam. Our collected feedback showed a disappointing and shocking recurrence of words such as “disappointing,” “travesty,” “disaster,” “dangerous,” and “shocking.” Accordingly, planning for all future FRAUD Festivals has been halted. In addition, certain organizers are being investigated for fraud (crazy coincidence, right?), criminal negligence, and treason. On the bright side, the HATERZ said we couldn’t do it, but we achieved UNITY!
Sadly, we are, at present, technologically incapable of granting your stated wishes to travel back in time and prevent this wicked weekend retreat from ever happening. Nor are we able to refund your purchases of the many thousands of dollars in UNITY BUCKS which were loaded onto your FREEDOM BRACELETS (those bracelets were FIRE, btw!). Regrettably, we cannot claim responsibility for the failure of said bracelets to function as expected – or for any resulting injuries caused by their spontaneous combustion. We can, however, recommend that you treat the burns with Synoplex, which is used to treat foot and dermal lesions on elephants and rhinos – so it’s definitely strong enough for humans!
Annoyingly, Bhad Bhabie, Good Charlotte, Lil Nas X, Ariana Grande, Chance the Rapper, Larry the Cable Guy, and all the other featured entertainment acts pulled the plug on their scheduled performances at the very last minute. But it wasn’t our fault! These COMMUNIST DIVAS reacted to a false rumor that our event grounds were not equipped with any green rooms, dressing rooms, designated hair and makeup rooms, or a stage, or a sound system, or lighting, or security staff.
In truth, our very real construction crew was just about to assemble all the necessary infrastructure, when all of these LAZY UNPROFESSIONAL SOCIALISTS dropped out of the festival. If that’s not treasonous behavior, then I don’t know what is.
Lamentably, the team-building games could have been less – what’s the best word to use here – fatal. However, a trust fall is only as effective as its participants, folks – even when it takes place over the edge of a cliff. Yes, the proximity of the arts and crafts area to the gun range was – how best to describe it – more lethal than expected. But in fairness, those were supposed to be paintballs, not live rounds of ammo.
And as for the Enactment of the Second American Civil War – that event broke out on its own. Fortunately, it led to our recovery of the paintball supply. Now, it goes without saying – but we feel a legal obligation to say it – that we are in no way liable for these tragic and needless deaths. Don’t believe me? Reread the fine, fine, fine, fine print on your legally binding event attendance agreement forms.
Frustratingly, many respondents were displeased with our food service. Described as “not what we were promised,” “unpalatable,” “a joke,” “unfit for human consumption,” and worse, we believe our chefs did an amazing job of feeding our DEMANDING attendees. In fact, I predict it’s only a matter of time before our signature peanut butter and shellfish sandwiches start appearing on Michelin-star menus around the world. Consider yourself lucky to be among the first to try them!
While we are disappointed in Addison Rae, Lil Xan, the stars of The Real Housewives of Branson, the Paul Brothers, and others for distancing themselves from the event after hyping it on their social media platforms, we do not hold them personally accountable for the lack of accommodations at the event grounds. They, like us, assumed that the luxurious, star-spangled PATRIOTIC GLAMOUR YURTS featured in our viral promo video and DOPE brochures would be in place and tricked out with indoor plumbing and “LIT” with electricity by the time the retreat kicked off.
We are embarrassed that those awesome yurts were scaled back to industrial-sized garbage, er, sleeping bags – but for the record, they were THE LARGEST plastic sleeping bags available on the market. So, king-sized, as promised. Hefty makes a great product and loves America. Anyway, please stop vandalizing the homes of the celebrities involved in our event marketing and return all their pets IMMEDIATELY.
Finally, even though the private planes you were all promised that would fly you to and from the event grounds proved to be logistically impossible and financially prohibitive to provide, consider the words of one grateful feedback respondent, who stated, “I was so relieved this weekend-long national nightmare was over, I didn’t care how I got home. I just felt lucky to be alive.”
Aren’t you all lucky to be alive, and in the greatest country in the central geographical portion of the North American continent, no less? How sad that I am currently vacationing in an undisclosed location, far, far away from the USA, where I am woefully unable to be served with a subpoena, comforted only by the giant pool of money through which I am currently doing the backstroke.
Patriotically yours,
Dr. Jonathan Anonymous Doe, CEO
Uncle Scam, Inc.