Last year, I made a bold and daring New Year’s resolution: to finally start wearing the Icelandic necropants, and to do so for a full year. And this year, my resolution is just as bold and daring: to continue wearing the Icelandic necropants for another full year.
But what are the necropants, you might ask, in case you missed my previous resolution or never caught a glimpse of me galavanting around in them this past year? Well, they are the flayed leg skin of a dead man dug up from the grave, imbued with magical properties and stitched together to form a very fashionable and trendy pair of human leather pants.
The scrotum is included, so they really dazzle onlookers.
Now, wearing necropants all year long is not for everyone. There’s definitely a steep learning curve that I discovered the hard way. The Icelandic sorcery manual does not clearly address the challenges inherent to the wearing of the necropants (though it is a lot more honest and transparent about the challenges associated with preparing the necropants at least).
One of the biggest upsides to wearing necropants is, of course, that the magical coin-producing scrotum comes in super handy when you need to feed the meter after parking your car in the center of town to run some errands. You don’t even have to download an app and create your ten-thousandth account. All you need to do is reach into your necropants’ dead man’s change purse and pull out the coins that you need to avoid getting a parking ticket. It’s incredibly convenient.
But despite this huge perk, I’ll admit that I had some downer moments when I thought that I might not last the whole year with the necropants on. Going to the grocery store and jogging around the neighborhood were both recurring situations that provided a huge hurdle for me to overcome. The first time a store clerk gives you THAT look when they see what you’re wearing in the checkout line certainly gives you pause for thought about not only your choice of attire, but also some of your life choices.
And it takes a lot of stamina and a strong will to continue wearing the necropants after a pack of frenzied dogs chases you out of the local dog park. So there’s a lifestyle change involved, too; you have to be willing to adapt your behaviors and routines to the new circumstances of your necropants-wearing reality. And if you’re in a relationship, hopefully you have a very understanding significant other who will support your full-time necropants-wearing decision. I won’t lie; the necropants can put a strain on things. This is just my own personal experience here, but Valentine’s Day 2021 was honestly pretty rough.
But here’s the thing: 2021 was just so much better than 2020. Don’t get me wrong. It’s not like 2021 wasn’t full of its own special breed of death, destruction, and despair, but at least it felt like it was a step in the right direction after the end times of 2020. So, while wearing the necropants might not be for everyone, it has been one of the best decisions I’ve ever made, and I fully intend to continue wearing them through all of 2022 and seeing where this glorious new resolution might take me.
