Hello fellow inmates, maniacs, and “journalists” of Arkham Asylum! You’re receiving this because you expressed interest in an events calendar for our current home, Gotham’s one and only psychiatric hospital/supervillain prison.
You’re probably incarcerated here because Batman caught you committing a crime. That guy is just everywhere, isn’t he?Anyway, below is the monthly events calendar for January from yours truly, Calendar Man, which is my real supervillain name, so please stop asking.
January 2nd: Scavenger Hunt with the Riddler
Come one, come all to the cafeteria, where the Riddler has set up an elaborate and exhausting scavenger hunt that will end in what he calls “The Sphinx’s Mouth,” which is actually just the laundry room. Hunt for clues, solve riddles, and endure endless pun-filled taunts as you search for the grand prize: a clue for next month’s scavenger hunt! What will happen???????*
*The Riddler asked me to end the summary with seven question marks and told me not to tell you it was a clue, but it’s a clue.
January 4th: Support Group with Scarecrow
Scarecrow has promised me that this support group is now focused on overcoming your fears, and no longer about exploiting them for scientific research. I am putting it back on the calendar for this month.
January 5th: Anniversary of That Time When Batman Beat All of Us in a Fight
January 7th: A Tour of the Botanical Gardens by Poison Ivy
I have it on good authority that Poison Ivy will try to break out on this day, leaving behind a wake of beautiful and deadly foliage to admire from a distance! Take a walk beyond cell block A to see her famous pink and green venomous maneaters. Careful not to spend too long in the area, or else her plants will release their spores and your mind will become under her control.
January 9th: Goodbye to the Penguin
The Penguin is being released! His lawyers found a loophole in Gotham’s property seizure laws and he is getting out on a technicality. Come celebrate his release with a meal of fresh fish, but whatever you do, don’t look him in the eye.
January 11th: National Thank Your Asylum Professional Day
January 14th: Book Club: Manifestos
It’s Manifesto Day at our monthly book club meeting! Bring your home-written manifesto (becoming the evil mayor, bomb-making, bringing Gotham to its knees, etc.) to be read aloud with the rest of the group. Feedback is optional, but recommended to orchestrate a positive environment. It is also recommended that everyone bring a weapon for the feedback portion.
January 15th: Mr. Freeze Leads a Spa Day
Join Mr. Freeze as he leads hot yoga in the showers for thirty minutes then two hours of ice-cold bench sitting. Guaranteed to relax your muscles as they stretch, contract, then slowly go numb due to hypothermia. Participants should not bring up his frozen-in-ice wife.
January 17th: Martin Luther King Jr. Day
January 18th: Tell Your Story: A Killer Moth Production
Killer Moth has put on a storytelling night to remember, where the theme is “The Villains That Were Forgotten.” Come here for inspiring stories about facing adversity from Kite Man, Orifice, Sewer Queen, Joe Murderhands, Swirly Whirly Man, and Baby with a Gun!
January 27th: Welcome Back Party for the Penguin
I am putting this in as a placeholder event for when Batman catches the Penguin again.
January 28th: Open Mic Night with the Joker
The Joker wishes to lead an open mic night in the multipurpose room, and since I fear what he’ll do to me if I say no, I added it to the calendar. He says it will be a fun time and those coming should bring their “biggest smiles, happiest laughs, and a crowbar.”
January 30th: We Kill the Batman
One of the guards told me Batman is visiting the prison on the evening of the 30th. He will be passing by our cell block. Attendance is mandatory.
