Hey champ! I heard it was your first time out on the town since Miss Rona broke your trust and ability to socialize normally, and you’re feeling a little anxiety-ridden, huh buddy? Not to worry, me, a rooftop bar, is always here to welcome you back to the party lifestyle. It might take some getting used to, but you’ll be back to your good ol’ embarrassing drunk self before you know it!
To get you re-acquainted, let me give you a tour of the crib, huh playa?
You won’t have to worry about safety here; it’s not like you’re at some gnarly dive bar, dude! Don’t you dare compare me to the loser indoor bars. You’ll be happy to know the sixth-year-old creepy man hitting on you at the dive bar is too unhealthy to take the stairs up now! Here’s something those indoor bars don’t have: the longest couches you’ve ever seen that surround fire pits. In case there’s an out of control fire from it, no problemo muchacho! Just take the stairs down from this thirty-story building I’m on top of. And oh, check this out, you’re going to want to remember being on a rooftop bar and need to brag to your friends you’re on a roof. For that, we’ve got a random wall of grass you can take photos in front of that says stuff like “Wine Not?” Why do we do that? Wine not, you’re back in the real world, bro.
Anyway, enough COVID talk. You’re here to have fun! Here, take a quick sip of our Who Rum the World (Girls) cocktail! Yes, all of our drinks are named after Beyonce songs, and we’re white – is that a problem? Hopefully Queen B has a calming effect on you, but if you still do happen to have reservations or anxieties about contracting the virus, here’s some good news for you: your fear of COVID will be almost immediately replaced by your fear of falling off the rooftop! This anxiety will be constant, and will only make you conflicted over whether you should keep drinking to take the edge off, or stop drinking before you drunkenly throw yourself off the edge. We hope you choose the former!
And dude, look over here, it’s the best part of me by far! THE VIEW, DUDE! Look at this view! You have to admit, it really does look like every other city skyline, but whoa mama are outlines of buildings gorgeous. Wait, I have an idea. Let’s turn the other way to see the other, less aesthetically-pleasing view – we can see your apartment from here! I knew your social battery would most likely die out about fifteen minutes into your first time, so I thought it might make you feel better to have a nice reminder of what was waiting for you at home, and where you’ve taken up shop for the last thirteen months! I hope you don’t miss it already, though, because we’re about to do neon-colored shots that don’t taste like alcohol and are now 80% more expensive. But hey, that’s just the surcharge of drinking on an elevated surface, baby.
Not to sound like a grandma, but you look like a stick! You must be starving. Let me tell you what’s on our food menu because you were so nervous to come here you couldn’t eat. Oh, look at what’s coming out! It’s the lukewarm mozz sticks with little green parsley on it. Lactose intolerant, huh? They always are. Why don’t you try some of our soft pretzels, which are actually hard by the time you get them and, lucky for you, it’s ALL salt. On the house bro – bon appétit!
So what are you waiting for? Pay the $20 cover charge and take the overcrowded elevator up! Just remember, if you need to vomit, don’t do it in our bathroom. Just lean over the railing.
