It’s day 153 of the zombie apocalypse and honestly, at this point, I think we just need to learn to live with the zombies. Yes, the reanimated corpses of the undead are still roaming the streets, but I’m tired of staying inside.
We’re just going to need to adapt to this new reality.
Americans have been adapting to harsh conditions for centuries. In 1847, the Donner Party became trapped in the snowy Sierra Nevada mountain range. They didn’t give up. They adapted by resorting to cannibalism. Now, if the Donner Party could adapt to cannibalism, I think we should, at the very least, be willing to sacrifice a few of our friends, family and neighbors to roving gangs of cannibalistic zombies.
Some people are urging us to stay inside while the living dead terrorize our cities, tearing apart members of our community limb by limb and eating them alive. But it could take until next year to develop a zombie vaccine. I, for one, am not willing to sit inside my home drinking beer and watching baseball games with fake fans on TV until next year. I want to drink beer in a dimly lit Buffalo Wild Wings while watching baseball with real fans on TV NOW.
If that means that a few people will be eaten alive, so be it.
We need to send our kids back to school, too. If zombie movies have taught us anything, it’s that although child zombies are the most terrifying zombies, they’re also the rarest of zombies, typically making just one appearance in the final act. Science supports this, with few American children showing symptoms of zombiism. While we don’t know the long-term effects on children who are exposed to zombie bites, and there’s no saving the ones who are eaten by the hordes, this is a necessary risk. We can’t risk our children’s education. And I will go insane if I have to spend another four months locked down with mine.
Yes, zombies will kill and eat thousands of our brethren if we end the lockdown, but most of those people have pre-existing conditions. Young, healthy people can outrun zombies. If you’re not young enough or healthy enough to outrun a mob of the undead, well that’s just nature. Now is not a time for us to come together; it’s a time for us to all run for our lives! Every man for himself!
And besides, Americans have a history of making sacrifices for the greater good of their country. In World War II, the Greatest Generation made the ultimate sacrifice, laying down their lives for the freedoms we enjoy today. But now it’s our generation’s turn… to sacrifice the lives of the Greatest Generation. Grandpa survived D-Day, so we shouldn’t feel bad about risking his life on Z-Day.
They say that someday things will return to normal. Someday they’ll develop a cure or a vaccine for the zombie disease. But I don’t want to wait for someday. I want my life to return to normal today. I want to eat Sbarro pizza at the airport on the way to my Disney World vacation and I want to do that now, not in a few months when it’s “safe” and the world is “rid of zombies.”
Freedom is what makes America great and if tens of thousands of people need to be torn apart and eaten in the streets so I can enjoy my freedom, that’s alright with me.
