You’re a red-blooded man; you know it’s completely out of your control. The female M&M’s, those sultry sirens of the candy world, have once again ensnared you, pulling you in closer and closer until you can no longer escape their grasp and are thus forced to watch graphic pornography that features both of these chocolatey seductresses.
And, once again, you have been caught by your wife, who walked in on you fumbling to close the twenty-three tabs you had open, all of which contained a different, very graphic video.
You might feel like you’re at rock bottom; after all, you promised your wife it would never happen again. And yet, here you are, having succumbed to your most carnal desires. Will you ever stop getting an erection in the candy aisle? Will you ever remember to lock the door to the bedroom?
Take it from me, a guy who, uh… has a friend who has been caught watching M&M-related pornography many times by his wife: There is nothing wrong with it! Everybody has their sexual quirks, and yours just so happens to be an insatiable desire to watch the female M&M’s go to town on each other while the red and yellow ones mostly watch, but occasionally join in to get tortured.
The thing is, not everyone is as sexually open-minded as you are, including your wife. So while you know your desires are perfectly normal, it’s perhaps best to keep this under wraps for her sake.
But at the same time, use this as an educational moment. Calmly explain to her that there have been commercials where the male M&M’s have been horny for the green and brown female M&M’s, and that is more than enough justification for finding them sexy. Try to help her understand that it is certainly okay to sexualize these milk-chocolate beauties.
Assure her, though, that this is the absolute last time she’ll catch you watching this filth. Be careful not to say that you’ll never watch this pornography again; it’s the perfect loophole to assuage you of all guilt in the future.
She’s not going to be convinced right away. She’ll bring up the time that you missed her grandmother’s funeral because you were in the bathroom watching a forty-minute gang bang between the female M&M’s and the California Raisins. She’ll once again recount the time you left your phone hooked up to the Bluetooth speakers and everyone at Thanksgiving heard the brown M&M begging the green one for more “until she was ready to crack.”
Let her blow off some steam and, again, assure her that nothing means more to you than her and the kids. If she’s going to give you an ultimatum – her or those deliciously sexy morsels that make you melt in your pants – you obviously choose her.
Whatever you do, this is NOT the time to let your wife know that you were fired from your job months ago because you accidentally sent a video to everyone at the company that featured the female M&M’s degrading themselves with Kit Kats. Take it from… my, uh, friend… it doesn’t diffuse the situation.
Maybe someday she’ll understand. But until then, you’re going to have to convince the missus that you’re done; this is the last time. Much like your beloved M&M’s, though, you’ll be putting on a beautiful performance, as you know deep down you could never walk away from your true loves.
You know one day soon, you’ll be back, ready to gorge on your favorite candy once again.
