My eyes say smooth jazz, but my mouth is Coachella, day 2.
Hungry Like the Wolf
My eyes say: “It’s okay, kid. You take the last package of Oreos.”
My mouth: Chompers grrrowl! You make one move toward the cookies and you will lose that hand. Back away and run to your mother, man-cub. But first, where’d you get those SpongeBob socks?
Rebel Yell
My eyes say: “That guy doesn’t have a mask. Should I give him my extra?”
My mouth: Oy! Oy! Oy! Bloody hell, mate, do your fucking part! The Billy Idol SNEEeeerr beneath my eyes without a face is your cue to get a mask and stop being such a tosser.
Sea of Love
My eyes say: “I’m just a regular guy, waiting to cross the street.”
My mouth: Ha! I’m a fishie!
Look What You Made Me Do
My eyes say: “Nothing to see folks. I’m just walking here.”
My mouth: Sexy Taylor Swift pout with piña colada-scented lip balm. I’m all glammed up in clean undies and freshly trimmed nose hair. Buns and schnoz are on point! Come get some, you gorgeous bitches.
Rock and Roll All Night
My eyes say: “Hey, Janice. I didn’t know you shopped at this bodega? We should do lunch sometime.”
My mouth: My tongue is fully extended à la Gene Simmons. Don’t be intimidated, Janice; this is now my standard greeting for friends, like a personal haka. We should do lunch sometime.
I Wanna Be Sedated
My eyes say: “Hello, friends. I love you all. We’re going to make it! Blessings!”
My mouth: Creepy, creepy, smiley smile. I can’t wait to put on yoga pants and watch the world burn. Hurry, hurry, hurry before I go insane. I can’t control my – oooooohh, Oreos!!
