With new reports showing our GDP fell 33% in the second quarter, the pandemic has now caused an historic economic collapse. Twice as bad as it ever was during the Great Depression. Forty million Americans are out of work. And as your elected officials, we know what we have to do: pass a stimulus package that spends billions upon billions of dollars on super kick-ass fighter jets.
It’s sobering to look out at the current state of our country. Hours-long lines at food banks, people on the verge of eviction, unemployed workers not knowing where their next check will come from. And honestly, we have no idea what you’re going through, as we have all lived very privileged lives. So while we can’t empathize with your pain, what we can do is order a bunch more F-22 Raptors, at a price tag of $340 million an aircraft. Come on, have you ever heard one of those fuckers take off?!? Hoooo boy!
As we sit here on Capitol Hill twiddling our thumbs, we want to thank everyone for making such great sacrifices. From the nurses who are struggling to feed their families. To the teachers who we are forcing to teach during a deadly virus. To the CEOs, who have painfully had to accept massive government bailouts to pay for this year’s seven-figure bonus, in spite of their near-constant rails against “socialism.”
We know it’s on the backs of these workers that this country was built. And desperate times call for desperate measures. Which is why this next batch of F-22 Raptors will come equipped with the Lockheed Martin AlphaX-7 Radar Firing System. This thing could hit a housefly with a Sidewinder missile from two miles away! Is that in any way necessary? No… but DAMN!
The president said it best when he said “it will get worse before it gets better.” We have to understand that even now, we are in a horrific downward spiral, with no end in sight. So, our advice to you is to hunker down and, we don’t know… pray? Pray because F-22s use about $60,000 worth of fuel per flight and our pilots really, really like flying them around, for no particular reason other than seeing how many G-forces they can hit.
While this virus never could have been foreseen, we know that now is the time for drastic action. So, as your elected officials, we are ready to shirk that responsibility and leave you to fend for yourselves. Because as they say in Independence Day: “It’s time to kick the tires and light the fires!”
And no, citizens of America, we will never be your wingman.
