Dear Dan,
As a valued customer, we want to make you aware that you are approaching your Talk Minutes® limit for your current billing cycle.
With the recent difficulties of COVID-19, we here at AT&T know that calling your family every day – perhaps for the first time in your selfish existence – is more important than ever.
We’re here to help you understand your usage:
MAR 8-14: 60 Talk Minutes®
The first week of the pandemic, it looks like you actually started picking up when your mother called, instead of pretending that you were “on the subway with no service,” a lie you’ve sometimes told the woman who spent 23 hours in labor with you.
MAR 15-21: 100 Talk Minutes®
You spent dozens of minutes assuring your mother that you didn’t need to pack a bag, rent a car, and get the hell out of Manhattan. Though doing so might have ended her agonizing worry about you spending the greatest disaster of our lifetime at its epicenter, you heartless bastard.
MAR 22- 28: 200 Talk Minutes®
You’ll notice a sharp rise in usage here, as about this time your dad started calling every morning, offering to pile his AARP card-holding, immunocompromised ass into his Honda Accord and drive down from Rhode Island to pick you up and “bring you home.” You undeserving dumpster fire of filial disappointment.
MAR 29: 120 Talk Minutes®
Two hours talking your father down in what has since become a Sunday tradition? It makes us wonder why you didn’t just get AT&T’s Unlimited Talk® to begin with, Dan? Was it because you didn’t plan on ever needing to tell your family that you loved them every day, you reprehensible trash heap?
MAR 30-APR 4: 400 Talk Minutes®
Remember how last spring you “couldn’t make it” to your nephew’s birthday because you had a “work thing?” You dick. You didn’t need Unlimited Talk® then, you festering wound of an excuse for an uncle, son, and human being.
But Unlimited Talk® sure would have come in handy last week, when:
- You had to restart your quavering rendition of “Happy Birthday” three times before you could sing it into the phone without sobbing.
- Your nephew (who at this point probably doesn’t even remember what you look like) dropped the phone and toddled away from it while you shouted, “Hello? HELLO? IS ANYONE THERE? FOR THE LOVE OF GOD, I’VE BEEN SOCIALLY DISTANCING FOR TWENTY-ONE DAYS, JUST SHOUT WORDS AT ME!”
- Your sister picked up the phone and told you that if you had just moved back home to Rhode Island this wouldn’t even be an issue, and also that your decision to live in New York was going to kill your mother.
Those minutes add up, Dan.
APR 5-11: 500 Talk Minutes® and Counting
And now it looks like you’re calling every morning to make sure your parents are still alive – and tearing through those Talk Minutes® like your rapidly dwindling supply of toilet paper.
If you would like to upgrade to Unlimited Talk® – which is something better sons than you have been doing for years – contact our customer service team.
Meanwhile, Danimal, not to worry. You have literally thousands of Rollover Minutes® from last year, when you only called your mother once a week.
You absolute garbage human being.
All our best,
AT&T
