I won’t feed you the typical PR bullshit, okay? That’s not who I am. When other people find themselves on the business end of a news cycle, they might ignore the elephant in the room, but not me. I would never do that. I would never emotionally neglect an elephant like that, and I would make 100% sure she wanted to be in that room. That’s who I am.
You’ve all seen the video, I’m sure, and I won’t dispute it. Yes, it was my basement. Yes, what you saw was a pulse-quickening duel to the death between two thoroughbred pitbull bitches. Yes, when my Lady Moonbeam won, I dipped my fingers in the crimson of her enemy’s demise and marked my face like a druid of old. And yes, after her kill I rewarded my sweet girl with a processed treat, chock full of filler ingredients.
It wasn’t a “deep fake” like so many of you have speculated. Can they really do that, by the way? Make a fake video look that realistic? That’s terrifying. Anyway, I am not going to apologize. Except for the treat. It was Sunday and the boutique pet store closes at four on Sunday for some fucking reason, and Walmart was right on the way home from my Ted Talk on canine compassion. You know how it goes.
The rest of what was in that video, I stand behind completely.
Before you all show up at my house with torches and pitchforks, take a minute to consider if any animals have been exploited by the companies who produced those mob instruments. Then, take a moment to reflect on what PETA stands for. People for the Ethical Treatment of Animals. Ethical. Not People for the Condescending Treatment of Animals. Not People for the Patronizing Treatment of Animals. Neither of those have enough vowels to make a decent acronym. But more than that, they are philosophically wrong.
Who are we to decide what’s right and what’s wrong for these animals? Who are we to make decisions for them, as if they lacked the higher order cognitive functions to consider the consequences for themselves? Who are we to put ourselves above them? If we truly want ethical and equitable treatment for all of earth’s creatures, shouldn’t we, at the very least, allow them to make up their own minds? Shouldn’t we, in order to correct historical oppression, take it a step further and let them make decisions for us humans as well?
I just blew your minds, didn’t I? Well get ready, because you’re about to get blown again.
I didn’t force Lady Moonbeam to risk her life in a death brawl. She wanted to do it. It was her idea. I simply refused to stand in the way. Four years ago, she and I went for an evening walk – a stressful time for me amidst several hard weeks of lobbying for stricter animal cruelty laws – and something amazing happened. We passed a Rottweiler and Lady Moonbeam lunged, right for the jugular. If I hadn’t jerked the leash in time, one of those two dogs would have surely perished, right there on the sidewalk. A few hours later, after the sweet, almost orgasmic buzz of adrenaline began to subside, I realized something.
I had denied Lady Moonbeam the joy of battle. She had made a decision, but I had stopped her. Not very ethical, was it?
I knew what I had to do. I had to use my impressive administrative skills to organize a vast, underground dogfighting network of upper-class socialites, utilizing each of our highly secure compounds to host our to-the-death contests. I had to make my dog’s dreams come true. Now, do I get juiced when Lady Moonbeam rips out the throat of her adversary? Of course. I won’t deny it. I’m getting a little jacked right now just thinking about it. But only because I know she loves it. I support my dog, and I will defend, with everything I have, her right to do what she loves.
If you cannot understand that, or if you have a problem with me leading this organization from prison, I ask only one thing. Consider electing a non-human president in my place. A badger maybe. Or better yet, a penguin, since they are black-tie-fundraiser-ready. Be the People for the Election of Talented Animals. Be PETA. Blew your minds again, didn’t I? If you do what I’ve asked, you will blow everyone in the world.
See you in five to ten.