I. Call to Order
In addition to the board, also in attendance were biologists Dr. Sergei Chernekov and Dr. Kim Sung-gi, as well as an assistant named Gary that carried the disembodied head of Mr. Disney on a silver tray connected by electrodes and tubes conveying necessary life-giving fluids. After several gasps of horror as the head was reanimated, Mr. Iger called the meeting to order at midnight when the powers of darkness were at their peak.
II. Approval of Minutes From Meeting Held Five Years Earlier
The minutes were approved with most board members voting “Ay” and one approving gurgle.
III. Report of the CEO
1. Mr. Iger discussed the revenue generated by the company’s acquisition of Lucasfilm’s Star Wars franchise. Mr. Disney grew angry and shouted several obscenities at the board believing the company had begun manufacturing weapons whose sole purpose was to destroy the Soviets’ atomic space stations, adding that contributing to the military industrial complex was certainly not wholesome. Mr. Iger assured Mr. Disney that Star Wars was an entertainment property generating billions in profits. Mr. Disney smiled and repeated the word “billions,” as the mysterious, blue elixir of life that was fed via tube formed into a bubble and burst at the pronunciation of the letter B.
2. Mr. Iger discussed the healthy financial returns from the company’s newest park, Shanghai Disney Resort. This was followed by an extensive conversation from the board to Mr. Disney on which of his customary terms for the Chinese were considered racist, offensive, and disrespectful. Mr. Disney was asked repeatedly and with increasingly hostile tones to not squint his eyes, expose his front teeth, and repeat the phrase, “Herro, I’m Ralt Risney.” Board member Mr. Chen politely excused himself from the room and never returned.
3. Mr. Iger read aloud a letter of approval from the Illuminati, to whom the company is indebted for five hundred years. The letter expressed appreciation to the Disney Parks for its continued commitment to child abduction and human trafficking via secret tunnels hidden beneath Fantasyland. A postscript to the letter informed the board that it had met the most recent quota for child slaves gifted to the lizard people of hollow earth. As a reward, a single gold coin would be added to each member’s secret bank account at the Eye of Providence Building and Loan.
IV. Feedback/Input/Discussion
1. Motion QR-34-211 to delay by one year the original 2022 timeline to fund the construction of thousands of FEMA camps for re-education of the masses passed unanimously.
2. Motion QR-34-233 to raise the global temperature an additional two degrees in an effort to increase public interest in Disney on Ice productions by making them a respite from elevated heat and/or destructive weather patterns passed unanimously.
3. Motion QR-34-598 to replace the white alyssum used in the various parks’ floral Mickey displays from Frosty Knight to White Knight proved divisive and arguments erupted, quickly escalating to threats of lawsuits from both the Frosty and White camps. Individual threats of personal harm culminated in security being called. Security officers Baldwin and Martinez wrestled Ms. Sandberg’s hands from the neck of Mr. Langhammer. During the commotion, Mr. Disney was dropped on the floor and accidentally kicked beneath a decorative armoire. Gary assisted Dr. Chernekov in reattaching the tubes that conveyed the mysterious, blue elixir to the founder’s disembodied head. Mr. Disney spat forth two blue bubbles, which Dr. Chernekov interpreted to mean “Thank you.” The motion was not voted upon and was instead tabled until the next meeting in five years.
The meeting adjourned at 1:34 a.m. when Mr. Disney was returned to the secret storage room above the basketball court hidden beneath the peak of the Matterhorn in Disneyland.