Tell Him You Keep Hearing About This “Medicine” Stuff But Don’t Know What All The Fuss Is About
Take him whale watching so his guard will be down (he’s a AAA member, so he can get a good deal on tickets). As you bask in the majesty of God’s creatures on Dave’s dime, ask him if he knows anything about this medicine stuff. “I keep hearing it, but I don’t know too much about it. Is this something that can, I dunno, help with internal bleeding?” Make sure to butter him up by telling him how cool you think his penmanship is in order to increase your chances of getting him to write you a prescription.
Ask Him About His Bike
Dave is an avid biker. Tell him you’re interested in buying a foldable bike similar to the one he owns. When you meet in the park, take his bike for a spin. Say you love it, but, funny thing, while you were riding it you couldn’t help but feel a sharp pain in your lower left abdomen. You’ve never had this experience on a regular bike. It must be because this bike can fold. You’ve been feeling that pain for weeks, but he’ll think it just started because of his bike and blame himself! Ha! As he drives you to the emergency room filled with guilt you can bask in his free medical advice.
Surprise Him With Balloons and Cake
As per his last text, Dave’s busy for the next two weeks, but your questions can’t wait! Ignore the secretary and saunter your fine self into Exam Room 3. Yes, he’s in the middle of performing a colonoscopy, but you have ice cream cake and three balloons with his name literally on all of them. Offer him some cake and while he’s yelling at you to leave just say how you can’t eat the cake because it’s been causing you severe bloating every day. He’ll surely give you advice on how to fix this. Oh, make sure he reimburses you for the balloons and cake so the medical advice stays free.
Compliment His Hair
His flowing red locks are looking dandy as fuck. Tell him that verbatim. Ask him how you can get your follicles to flow so effortlessly. Then while he’s explaining his routine, mention you’re taking Propecia for your balding, but are concerned that the drug’s side effects might coincide with your Crohn’s Disease. Ask for his thoughts and his money to cover the cost of the Propecia.
Let Him Smell Your Breath
While it’s common knowledge that the rat in the hotel room you live in ate the bristles off your toothbrush, one whiff of your rancid breath and Dave will know the problem goes beyond simply being unable to brush. This stink is coming from deep down, and is issuing a challenge to be destroyed, a challenge from which a man like Dave would never back down. Doctor visits cost time and money, but breathing in your cousin’s face is quick, easy, and also allows you to assert your dominance as an alpha.
Collapse While Clutching Your Stomach at the Twins’ Chorus Recital
Dave will be so proud of his kids and overflowing with love that he won’t be able to take his eyes off the stage. That’s exactly where you’ll have to go to give a performance of your own. Sneak into the recital so you don’t have to pay the five dollars that helps fundraise for the school’s art department. Shout “Is there a gastroenterologist in the house? Because I’ve been experiencing chronic symptoms!” before falling off the stage. Dave’s morality is his weakness to be exploited, as he’ll rush to your aid. What’s he going to do, allow his children to watch a man die? Call his bluff.
Take Over His Life
Begin talking like Dave. Wear the kinds of clothes he would wear. Get your hair cut like Dave’s. Follow him around and gradually assume his life. Do his job. Take his dog to the vet. Help the twins with their math homework while exchanging loving glances with his wife. With no other place to go, Dave will take over your life. Once he does this, he should start experiencing your stomach problems, and you can observe what he does to treat them. You can switch back after that, or you can just keep living Dave’s life if you’d prefer. Not only will you save money by stealing Dave’s life, but his salary is way bigger than yours (and that miserable prick isn’t shy about letting you know it) so you’ll actually gain money and all the free advice you’d never need.