The big day has finally arrived. Prince Harry and Meghan Markle are tying the knot in fairytale fashion. And if you’re anything like me, you could absolutely not give less of a fuck. However, your roommate does. And she’s hosting a viewing party that starts at 4:30 a.m.?? What the fuck? Holy shit, you’re going to need to get tanked to deal with this. Here’s a drinking game you can play by yourself to try to make little bit of fun out of all this nonsense:
Take a sip…
- Every time the TV camera shows a saggy old white person with bad teeth.
- Every time someone mentions how “pretty/stunning/gorgeous” Meghan Markle looks. (Note: this will happen every 11-21 seconds, so make them small sips.)
- Every time someone mentions how “pretty/stunning/gorgeous” the wedding is. (Note: this will also happen an egregious number of times, so again, pace yourself.)
- Every time a TV reporter refers to the “atmosphere” as “electric.”
- Every time weddings remind you of the movie Blood Diamond and how sickened you are by the cumulative amount of human suffering perpetuated by the engagement ring industry and Western greed in general.
- Just because you’re single, you bad bitch!
Finish your drink if…
- Somehow, someone doesn’t mention Meghan Markle’s skin color.
- You get the urge to punch Savannah Guthrie’s smile right off her head.
- You just remembered you haven’t paid your student loans yet this month and how with the amount spent on this wedding, you could literally retire tomorrow.
- All you want to do is keep saying “Ello guvna” on repeat, but have the maturity to fight off the impulse.
- Your inner monologue reminds you that weddings are an archaic and chauvinistic rite in which women are essentially treated like property.
- Your mimosa is almost empty and you need another one anyway.
Take a shot…
- Every time someone compares Meghan Markle to Kate Middleton on her wedding day. (Note: this will happen every 11-21 seconds, so make them small shots.)
- When Hoda Kotb inevitably mentions how Prince Harry is “only sixth in line for the crown,” but says it in a condescending tone like it’s some kind of character flaw.
- If you can’t believe the news media is covering this because holy fuck we’ve got so, so many more pressing issues that are way bigger, like Trump moving the Israeli embassy to Jerusalem sparking violence in the Middle East, and Don Jr. lying under oath to Congress, and North Korea, and Net Neutrality, and racists feeling emboldened, and Sarah Huckabee Sanders lying to our faces every goddamned day and Jesus the list could go on forever, how the fuck are people worried about some rich couple getting married on the other fucking side of the Atlantic ocean when this side of it is completely on fire!!?!?!?
- OMG OMG OMG a Corgi!
- When someone refers to Meghan Markle’s dress as “to die for” and you suddenly wish that person literally would die.
- Just because you’re single, you bad bitch!
