Your team will arrive fifteen minutes late.
Before the game starts, expect to wait anywhere from one hour up to “this is what death feels like.”
Don’t forget to put your name down or else your team will murder you.
A proper pregame warm-up consists of catching up with your team on how “it’s been way too long since everyone had to wait this long for brunch.”
When the waiter calls your name, double-check that every player is present. A missing teammate defers your game’s start time, even if Chad left for “just a quick coffee run.”
Stay positive. Breathe.
After Chad returns with his non-fat soy vanilla latte, motion to the waiter that your team is ready. Do not punch Chad.
As your team approaches the table, the theme song to Chariots of Fire may or may not be playing. This depends on how low your blood sugar is.
You’ve been looking forward to this game for months. Your team had nine opportunities to play during the preseason, but Chad kept rain-checking.
If you’re the team captain, show leadership by ordering a mimosa.
If you’re tipsy after one mimosa, that’s a strike. Three strikes and get ready to say goodbye to the rest of your Sunday.
Look around to see what other teams are eating. Learn their strategies, but be especially wary of salads. They’re empty and unfulfilling, just like life.
If you only order two egg whites and call that “brunch,” you will be banned from MLB for life.
Demonstrate teamwork by asking your teammates if they’d like to try a bite of your eggs benedict. Remember to breathe and slowly unclench your fists as Chad takes half of your meal.
Bear in mind that this is only Game 1 of the Brunch World Series. Given everyone’s busy schedules and Chad’s flakiness, Game 2 probably won’t happen until 2023.
If the egg yolk breaks and soaks your plate, don’t panic. Injuries happen.
Despite the fact that you and your team almost died from hunger, use your cutlery with poise. Do not stab Chad.
Your team’s months of scheduling, Yelp research, and “hey guys, rain check please??” group texts have finally paid off. Savor the moment. Look around and laugh at the teams that ordered salads.
But the game isn’t over. It’s the bottom of the ninth and it’s time to split the check. Cash only.
