Karen, the holidays are stressful, and your mother-in-law, Debbie, does not make them any easier. You know she has hated you since the day Dave brought you home, because that was the day she asked, “What happened to the other one who I liked better? Her name was Sheila! Remember Sheila? I saw on Facebook that Sheila has a wildly popular fashion blog.”
It’s okay, Karen. This year will be different. Trust me, Karen. This year will be So. Fucking. Different. Bring any one of these healthy dessert recipes to the Christmas gathering, and instead of calling you a bitch in a sexist and disrespectful way, your mother-in-law will call you a bitch in a fun and totally cool way when she says, “YAS, bitch!”
Avocado Chocolate Pudding
When she finds out that the base of this delicious, chocolatey dessert is avocado instead of cream, your mother-in-law is going to lose her shit. She’s going to be like, “Are you fucking kidding me with this? I can get my choco-fix and feel healthy?! YAS, bitch! Also, I’m sorry for suggesting that you were stupid when you abbreviated the word ‘chocolate’ into ‘choco’ earlier. It is totally fun to say it that way. You are totally fun even though I’ve implied many times that you’re not, Karen.”
Baked Apples with Non-Fat Ice Cream
This low-calorie alternative to apple pie is just as warm and comforting as the real thing. Your mother in-law might be skeptical at first, but once she takes a bite, she’ll be like, “I am losing my fucking mind because I can’t even tell the difference between this and high-fat apple pie! YAS, bitch! Also, Karen, I’m sorry for that passive aggressive comment I left on your latest Instagram post saying that your Stuart Weitzman boots are cute but probably cost way more than the rent that my son has been paying on his own. You keep pursuing your dream to be a sculptor and look hot while doing it, bitch! I def do not think that you are a lazy leech, even though I’ve expressed that exact sentiment to your face.”
Reduced-Fat Cheesecake
One bite of this cheesecake made with reduced-fat cream cheese, and your mother-in-law is going to undo that tight bun she always wears, let her hair flow free, turn on Shania Twain’s “Man I Feel Like A Woman” and be like, “Am I at the fucking Cheesecake Factory, or what?! YAS, bitch! I LOVE this song! Oh my God, Karen! We should SO go on a girl’s trip to the Cheesecake Factory at the Westfarms mall. Sorry about that time I texted you saying you look like you grew up in that bed that all the old people in Charlie and the Chocolate Factory slept in. If it’s any consolation, I meant to send that mean text about you to Dave behind your back, but I accidentally sent it to you.”
Crustless Pumpkin Pie
Your mother-in-law is going to go bonkers over this easy no-carb twist on a classic holiday dessert. She’ll be like, “Holy fucking shit, Karen! This is so yummy and proves to me that you are smart, capable and the perfect choice for my son. YAS, bitch! I’m so sorry I didn’t give Dave my grandmother’s ring when he told me he was going to propose to you, and I’m also sorry that I said it would look ugly on your bony-ass fingers. Your fingers are full and beautiful! I still stand by my original position that they are not as full and beautiful as Sheila’s fingers, but Sheila has a successful fashion blog. It’s basically her job to keep up with her appearance. You’re just a sculptor, Karen. So, let’s just call this one even.”
Chocolate Beet Cupcakes
“Are these really beets, Karen?! Karen, are these really made with FUCKING BEETS? I fucking love beets and I fucking love chocolate and I fucking love you! YAS, bitch!” That’s what your mother-in-law is going to say when she eats these chocolate beet cupcakes. Either that, or she’s going to be overcome with hives because she’s allergic to beets. But you didn’t know that, Karen. I mean, sure, maybe Dave mentioned it, but how are you supposed to remember every little detail or every little thing? Instead of feeling guilty watching Debbie’s throat close and her skin turn as red as the beets you cooked, don’t worry about it. Dust off those Stuart Weitzman boots, and get back to sculpting knowing that you just WON Christmas with your mother-in law, Karen!