The Golden Globes are on tonight, and you’ve just gotta tune in! Here are five reasons why:
1) It’s pretty simple, really. If you don’t watch every second of this self-indulgent Hollywood circle jerk, you’re going to die. That’s not just us being hyperbolic. It’s actually going to happen. Don’t ask how we know this, but we do. We’ve never steered you in the wrong direction before, so why would you risk it on something as important as your own life?
2) We really can’t say why your life is in danger, or what’s going to happen if you flip between the channels or, God forbid, not laugh at the actors being funny on stage, and you really should stop asking questions about it. Though we can say part of it might involve watching a marathon of upcoming NBC sitcoms. Honestly, what’s a few hours of your night to save the rest of your life?
3) Christ, okay, look…your name is in a database. All those years you’ve spent putting your personal information online…they know who watches the Golden Globes every year, and they know the people who don’t. No, it doesn’t matter that you check it out for a few minutes just to see what’s going on during a different show’s commercial break. That shit just isn’t going to cut it this year, and NBC and the Hollywood Foreign Press Association are going to make sure of it.
4) Just do it! Just watch the goddamn thing and nothing bad is going to happen to you! If you want to live, you have to do this. The same can be said for the rest of your family – did we mention that already? No? Okay, so that’s on the table now. If you don’t enjoy every fucking second of the Golden Globes tonight, and if you don’t have a very strong opinion about a winner expressed in a hashtagged tweet, your entire family will be in danger. Is that enough to get you watching this? Is that enough to make you post that the opening monologue is a must-watch, you piece of shit (NBC’s words, not ours)?
5) Jimmy Fallon’s pretty funny, right?
