CHICAGO – After selling his soul to the devil to ensure a World Series victory for his beloved Chicago Cubs, 29-year-old Connor Darby is beginning to envision his eternity in hell.
“Seeing my Cubbies win it for the first time in 108 years makes it totally worth it,” said Darby, who was excited to hear he’d be joined in hell by Cubs broadcasting legend Harry Caray, who sold his soul for a first-class upgrade on a 1987 flight and a barrel of peanuts that never runs out. “I’m never gonna stop partying.”
Still, Darby has shifted at least some of his thoughts to the afterlife, which will no doubt be spent in daily agony.
“I wonder if my skin will be shredded off my bones or maybe I’ll be some gross, lusty demon’s concubine,” Darby pondered. “Beats watching the Bears at least.”
Darby is far from the only Cubs fan to sell his/her soul to guarantee the team’s success this season. A reported three million people have surrendered their eternal souls to Satan, which is becoming a bit of a logistical nightmare for the Lord of the Underworld.
“We don’t have the space some would lead you to believe,” said hell PR specialist Gimlork the Blood Feaster. “How many more souls can we feasibly cram into Hitler’s orifices? We’re still calculating that, but we need to figure it out soon.”
At press time, Darby was seen drunkenly singing along to “Go Cubs Go” and boasting about how many Cardinals fans he would beat up in hell.
