Ted Cruz looks like:
- The manager of an under-performing Hardee’s
- The grotesque result of Microsoft Office Assistant Clippy’s wish to become a real boy
- Your coworker Lloyd from Accounts Payable who eats alone at his desk during the company Christmas party
- A gremlin that found a suit
- A fart that materialized into a human being
- The guy who got Pantera banned from your hometown
- He always had his hair combed as a kid and had to wear a suit on picture day
- Your neighbor who calls 911 when your dogs bark
- Geppetto’s real, disowned son
- A poorly-disguised vampire
- A proper smile would tear his face apart
- The Joker’s older, out of shape, half-brother
- A child’s watercolor painting of a dog
- He wears a Kohl’s polo tucked into his jean shorts with black socks and brown sandals
- That guy in your office who brushes his teeth at the urinals
- A waffle fresh out of an easy-bake oven
- A ventriloquist’s puppet who started coming to life but the process stopped halfway
- The world’s first 3D-printed man
- Melty Steve Carell
- The guy on your street who, while you can’t explain why, you just know is the reason all those pets have gone missing
- A man with constant, excruciating bowel pain
- The villain in a movie about civil rights
- A porcelain doll
- A G.I. Joe that a kid melted in the sun using a magnifying glass
- He owns numerous pairs of nondescript white sneakers
- A guy who just walked in on his wife cheating on him
- A guy wearing a cheap, knockoff Ted Cruz mask
- He enjoys a nice warm glass of milk before tucking himself in to bed at 7:30 p.m.
- The kid who chaperoned his own high school prom
- He has either just farted or is about to fart at every moment of every day
- He’d be upset that someone’s been down here messing with his Civil War battle reenactment set. They aren’t toys, and he had General Jackson perfectly positioned to flank off the invading alien mothership. It’s alt history, people. You wouldn’t understand. NO ONE UNDERSTANDS. He will make them understand…
- The mascot from a can of pomade
- The guy who puts way too much effort into telling you he is not a virgin
- The only kid who never listened when his mom said, “Keep making that face and it’ll get stuck like that”
- What aliens would look like if they came to Earth wearing an early version of their human suits
- A caramel candy that melted in the sun
- That kid in elementary school who had a “special” assignment in the library while the rest of the class and a school therapist discussed how to deal with him
- An off-model Ken doll
- His children would give him the finger when he turns his back
- Smashed silly putty
- The overly friendly guy at your parents’ church