A few days ago, we received this letter from Thomas Perez, the United States Secretary of Labor (featured above), with explicit instructions that we share it with our audience.
Hi, I’m Thomas Perez. You might know me as the Secretary of Labor for these United States of America. I started on July 23, 2013, and I’m proud of the progress we’ve made in my tenure. Unemployment is down, job numbers are up, and the economy is doing pretty well.
But I’m never satisfied. We can always improve the job-seeking process for Americans, both young and old. With that in mind, I have some very exciting news for the American people.
Have you ever applied for a job that you may not have been qualified for? Perhaps after applying, you got an automated response that said your application had been received, but then you never heard anything else ever again?
I’m doing away with that, thanks to an exciting new product.
Introducing InstaJob!
InstaJob has partnered with major job search websites like Indeed.com, CareerBuilder, Hired.com, LinkedIn and more to help tailor the experience to each user based on his/her profile. It sounds familiar, sure, but there are some new twists. These websites will consider your profile and experience and instantly let you know if you’re on the right track. If you’re not, InstaJob will notify you that you’re underqualified for the position.
Let’s say you want to be a lawyer but you don’t have a law degree. Once you search for “patent attorney,” InstaJob will immediately inform you that you’re not qualified to be a patent attorney and it will make suggestions for more appropriate jobs, saving you the trouble of getting your hopes up when you apply for a job well above your experience level.
Here’s a screenshot to show how this works on Indeed. This person is a 44-year-old woman with a master’s degree from a state university. She worked with a small PR firm for the last 14 years as the head of marketing, but when new ownership came around, she felt like they were going in a direction she didn’t like. Now she’s looking for something a bit bigger. See for yourself.
InstaJob sees through her bullshit. There are no VP of Marketing jobs in Cleveland, you goofball! Get real. If you want a job, consider being realistic and helping at the ground floor. It’s a great way to start a career, regardless if you have children who will be entering college shortly and have to find ways to pay for that mess. Make America strong!
Of course, not all jobs are created equal, so it depends on what you’re trying for when you apply. InstaJob may seem a bit harsh at first, but you have to understand that it’s a series of scientific algorithms that determine your fit for any given job, and it knows better than you do as to what you’re capable of doing. The system even runs your test scores from high school, your GPA from college, the university you attended, and your credit score to consider what might fit you best.
Here’s another example. This one is a 29-year-old male who worked as an inside sales rep for four years at a software company. He has a bachelor’s degree from a state university and was in the middle of his class in college. He feels that his experience qualifies him for a role as a sales executive.
Wrong! InstaJob knows that this chump is topping out as a fry cook, meaning he won’t have to wait around for answers from companies who also know that his ceiling is as a fry cook. InstaJob takes the mystery out of job hunting!
We’ll look at one last example. Here we have a 59-year-old man with a spotty criminal record. He embezzled money on more than one occasion and has a law degree from the University of Alabama. His professional history is inconsistent, although he is a local personality on the news, spouting claims about the impending apocalypse if we continue to allow women and gays to have rights in the workforce and in society. He’s looking for a new role in law.
InstaJob is a flawless government property!