Today is the International Day of Happiness, the official holiday competition where you try to prove you’re happier than everyone else – or at least your exes (as you know, the goal of any breakup is for you to come out of it happier than the other person, and today is the perfect time to ensure you have the upper hand).
Here at Robot Butt, we think the International Day of Happiness is just great, so we wanted to give you five tips for proving to your ex that you’re sure as shit having a happier day than her or him:
1) Hopefully you took today off to maximize your opportunities for happiness. If that’s the case, be sure to send your ex text messages at least every 3-5 minutes, though a higher frequency would be best. These texts can range from declarations of your happiness to cryptic messages that act as veiled threats, something to really put your ex on edge. Don’t forgot to call him/her and leave long-winded voicemails to really show the person what they’re missing. If your number gets blocked, don’t worry, it’s not like there aren’t other phones out there for you to use.
2) Love sure makes a person happy, right? Well, if your ex has seemingly moved on from you by dating somebody else, today’s the day to finally do something about it. Assuming you’ve done all the prior background research about this new person in your ex’s life, perhaps you could find that person’s own ex and try to force a rekindling that would end whatever relationship your ex was trying to build with the person. Or maybe you could just offer your ex’s new flame all the money in your bank accounts to just break it off. That’s not such a bad deal! Feel free to be creative (studies have shown that cultivating a creative side is vital to one’s overall happiness) with this one, knowing that by the end of today, your work will make your ex anything but happy.
3) You remember where he or she works, right? Did you also know that it’s incredibly easy to buy goat’s blood in bulk? Do what you have to do to sneak into his/her office building and, when the time is right, jump in front of them and unload your full bucket of goat’s blood all over them.
4) Does your ex have a restraining order on you? No problem! There’s no reason to let that ruin your happiest day; all you have to do is create a few disguises that will allow you to move freely in a nearby proximity to him/her throughout the entire day. Show up at the Starbucks you know he/she likes and hide in plain sight so you’re noticed. Your ex will do a double-take, and you’ll be long gone before they can see you again to make sure, but now you’re in their head the rest of the day. The fun doesn’t have to stop there, either. You can be appearing in your ex’s peripheral vision like a ghost all day long!
5) Nothing ruins a happy day quite like a good kidnapping. Whether it’s your ex’s family members, his/her new lover or even your ex him/herself, inflicting heart-wrenching and gut-punching terror upon this person is a surefire way to go to bed tonight knowing you had the happiest day of all. You don’t have to physically harm anyone (that’s up to you, of course), but you’ll feel a level of happiness you never thought possible when you see your ex realize that something awful and unfathomable could happen.