Author: Steve

Robot Butt is officially a year old, which means that while we still poop our pants, we’re at least starting to get a sense of the world around us. So let’s celebrate! And like a sitcom that has officially run out of ideas, we figured we’d just rest on our laurels and settle for a look back at our best stuff. Here are our ten most popular posts from the past year: 1. 5 Examples That Prove Miranda Kerr is a Horrible Monster 2. 25 Little-Known Facts About Batman 3. Dying is Easy. Comedy is Hard: A Look at Monty…

Suffice it to say, things are getting really weird around here these days. As I continue to examine the search terms that people use to eventually find themselves at Robot Butt, I am noticing that the terms themselves are becoming more and more…deranged. Just take a look at some of the search terms that brought people to Robot Butt in the past month (Note: none of the terms have been altered, including spelling): is taylor swift a robot batman’s penis frankenberry angela merkel butt china big butt brad pitt robot sell my soul to the devil forever super model armpit king kong…

We all know that the NBA’s slam dunk contest sucks now. And the only people who watch the actual All-Star Game are some really sick puppies, likely capable of some pretty terrifying and heinous things. But there are definitely good parts to the NBA’s All-Star weekend! The three-point contest is cool and the skills competition is pretty enjoyable. The problem is just that there are so many ways the weekend could be better, and no one’s doing anything to fix it. If I was running the league, though, I’d add these essential events immediately (while disposing of the All-Star Game itself,…

Those eyes. “Free me from the pain of this existence,” they say. “I am prepared to meet my Creator,” they say. That stare. The way it looks so far beyond you, as if you don’t even exist. Like it is wholly transfixed on a dark and inescapable past, full of horrors unseen to the rest of the world. That smile. Plastered onto his face and terrifying in its frozen state, this is the surest sign of someone who has been mentally broken in every possible way. Why exactly does the Waffle Crisp mascot look so willing to die? What has he…

No enemy is more dangerous than the one who will do something nice for you first, disarming you completely right before obliterating your entire world. And judging by his Titantron entrance song, John Cena is exactly that type of person. Look at this line from his own rap song, “The Time is Now”: “I got my soul straight, I brush your mouth like Colgate.” Now that’s just nice. It makes sense; after all, he is all about the “Rise Above Hate” movement. So it shouldn’t come as a surprise to anyone that John Cena is willing to save you the trouble…

I caught Cloverfield on Syfy last night, which means its 85-minute runtime was dragged out to about four hours with commercials. But all of that time gave me an opportunity to consider the true aim of the film. Sure, it’s a monster movie, but it’s so much more than that. It’s really an exercise in proving just how far a man would go for sex. A monster is annihilating New York and the only thing Rob Hawkins can think to do is go right through it because a babe is on the other side. Noble and so very accurate.

I went into Puppy Bowl XI feeling pretty confident in my fantasy team, but as I was building my three-player lineup, I somehow talked myself out of selecting Falcor. Falcor! I should have known that would cost me, and it did – dearly. Rather than finding a respectable place on the leaderboard, my team finished in extreme mediocrity, placing 9,853rd out of 18,116 entries. My biggest regret, which will haunt me as long and as painfully as Pete Carroll’s doomed choice to pass at the goal line, is picking Papi, who finished with only three points for Team Fluff. One measly…

More than any other sport, when I watch basketball, I’m always able to convince myself that I could score in an actual professional game. No special rules, no free unabated shots with no one trying to defend me. Just letting me suit up with a team and stepping onto the court like any other NBA player. I could do it. I think it’s because the game of basketball is so simple in its design. Your objective is the simplest of all, something you really figured out as a mush-brained baby. This round ball goes into that cylinder. Anybody can do…

You might not realize it, but the display advertising you find in Target stores can range anywhere from being hilarious to downright terrifying. Here, we will chronicle this demented segment of the retail world. I found this giant banner above the frozen foods section at a local Target. What in God’s name is going on here? What kind of sick torture is this man putting his son through? The only thing I can think of is that this is part of a variety of trials to turn the son into a man, that not breaking the egg is just one more…

One of the greatest existential questions humans face is that of free will. Do we truly have it? Or have we always been put on a certain path by a higher being? Those who are successful were meant to be, while those who lead troublesome or tragic lives simply received the short straw in the great lottery of the universe. Could that really be possible? Of course it’s possible. In fact, it’s very likely that we are being controlled by some sort of puppet master whose own existence we could never even begin to comprehend. While you pretend to have…