Author: Steve

I don’t typically binge-watch television shows, but the future Mrs. and I can’t stop slamming our way through The X-Files. We heard the calling, decided to start from the beginning and, as expected, our lives have now been fully consumed. I hardly know what day it is anymore and I now realize how little that matters in the first place. I see time in increments of X-Files episodes; how many X-Files episodes is it until we need to meet up with our friends and can we cancel everything else in our lives to watch more episodes? I’ve always loved the show, but it’s been years…

As the leading sources for the production of both current and future Buttholes of America, college fraternities should not be held to any sort of standard for normal human behavior. They operate outside the realm of basic human standards that plebs like you and I must adhere to. But for some reason, we insist as a society on believing that most men in frats really can be anything but uncontrollable gremlins. If that was the case, how else could they end up being our bosses or actually having a say in running the country? So when video surfaced of the Sigma Alpha…

They say God works in mysterious ways, that we never know exactly how he’ll make Himself known to us. But for one praying man in a New Jersey Applebee’s in 2010, he had an experience so many people can only dream of. God actually answered back. And just what did the Lord say to this man? Why, my son? Why must you defile the one body I have given you? As the man bowed over his piping-hot steak fajita skillet, God sent him a message by creating a grease pop that would burn the man’s left eye and face. And to further His…

It smacked me right in the face as I entered the grocery store, like I walked square into an invisible wall. Greeting all shoppers was a large display of oranges, nothing that would typically seem out of the ordinary. But it was the heinous use of its pitchman, his face plastered on every bag, that made me lose consciousness for a moment. My God, Cookie Monster, what have they done to you? There he was, as plain as day, completely dissociating himself from the only thing he ever loved. I thought back to a few years ago, when Cookie Monster shamefully…

With hundreds of people scaling Mount Everest every single year, the campsites around the mountain have slowly become poop-infested nightmares. Apparently, all of the climbers ascending the mountain are too preoccupied with the thought of dying to scoop up their poop and haul it with them to the top. But all of that long-festering poop and urine has become a real problem for Nepal, as it’s becoming an environmental hazard, threatening to spread disease all over the place. But hey, if there’s one thing humanity knows how to do well, it’s ruining beautiful things. And with all of our disgusting poop…

The Cleveland Browns are the kings of mediocrity in the NFL, which is to say that, in very Cleveland Browns fashion, they’re just simply never bad enough.However, with the signing of 35-year-old journeyman quarterback Josh McCown, who will presumably start plenty of games for Cleveland, the team might finally be moving in the right direction. You see, McCown stinks to high heaven. Save for his miraculous 2013 season with the Chicago Bears, in which he threw 13 touchdowns to just one interception, McCown’s atrocious career stats over 12 seasons look like this: 48 touchdowns to 58 interceptions. Even better, McCown is…

Richard Niedermaier was finally making waves at the Fortune 500 company at which he worked. After years of hard work and personal sacrifice, he was recently named Vice President of Acquisitions, which meant he now had the full authority to run the department however he saw fit. And after a thorough and careful look into the day-to-day operations of the Acquisitions team, he realized that many people had simply been coasting for years and were either unable or unwilling to perform to their full potential. It was that same invasive mentality among the team that led to a recent dip…

You might not realize it, but the display advertising you find in Target stores can range anywhere from being hilarious to downright terrifying. Here, we will chronicle this demented segment of the retail world. Based on the in-store advertising I’ve seen at Target, I now have to assume that the company believes all fathers are bordering on complete insanity. From incomprehensible egg games to maniacal staredowns with children, it would appear that every dad in the world is bordering on a mental breakdown of epic proportions. Which probably isn’t too far off from the truth.

Chuck Lorre’s shows are the anal fissures of television. They’re excruciatingly uncomfortable and painful to sit through, and it often feels like there is no end in sight, no escape from the torture. But with the end of Two and a Half Men, we have been shown that there is a light at the end of the tunnel. These shows are not immortal beasts from hell; it is possible that they can die. For many of us, hope is once again a tangible concept. For 12 unfathomable seasons, Two and a Half Men tortured the world, smugly sitting atop the Nielsen ratings…

This isn’t going to be a long diatribe about the state of Saturday Night Live, because that’s been done to death every which way and, in all honesty, I unabashedly love the show. I get off on defending it. I believe in it, have always believed in it and will always believe in it. Sure, Saturday Night Live has had some painful, low moments, but it would be foolish to think that a show with a life spanning 40 years wouldn’t have a rough patch or two. Anyone involved with the show would freely admit that, I’m sure. But you’d also have to be a doofus…