Author: Steve DiMatteo

A wise man once said, “The future is unknown.” That man was me, and it was just now. What do we really know about the future, though? What kind of secrets can we unlock about it? What meanings are hidden in there for us to find before they’re even revealed to us? The answer is, of course, none. We’re talking about the future here, stupid. No one knows what’s going to happen tomorrow. The only thing we really know about the future is that it’s terrifying and hopeless and we should all be constantly afraid of it. So what reason is…

As the age-old belief goes, if you slob on the right knobs hard enough, anything is possible. This is especially true in Hollywood. Kanye West certainly knows this truth, evidenced by his recent tweet effusively praising director Robert Zemeckis for his recent film The Walk: Now why is West so blatantly trying to get a rise out of Zemeckis’ penis? It could be that he simply loves the man’s filmography, which is vast and impressive, but it’s more likely that West is just trying to secure the role of Marty McFly in the inevitable Back to the Future reboot (though the filming might overlap…

Listen up, perverts. Playboy announced Monday that the magazine would no longer print nude photos, meaning the glory days of ogling and gawking at naked ladies are finally over. It was a good run. In an effort to boost subscriptions, Playboy is moving towards more PG-13, suggestive material, though one suspects the real reason is that the editors are grossed out by nude women and want to ruin it for everyone else. You thought you could stare at naked breasts forever, like the fun would never stop, didn’t you? They could take your guns, sure. They could even take your right to free…

Islamic State is in a bit of a pickle right now. You see, the honeymoon period is ending between the caliphate and much of its population, especially among the wide variety of skilled professionals. For one reason or another (though I’d venture to guess it’s the deplorable living conditions or the constant threat of an execution), people in vital professions are leaving ISIS in droves. But you know what that means – a plethora of juicy job openings! That’s right, ISIS is desperately seeking everything from doctors and teachers to oil-field managers, chefs, fitness instructors and more. Getting ahead in…

The Houston Astros defeated the Yankees 3-0 in Tuesday night’s American League wild-card game, eliminating New York from the 2015 MLB playoffs. Dallas Keuchel threw a gem on three days’ rest, shutting out the Yankees over six innings, striking out seven and walking just one batter. In his three starts against the Yankees this season, Keuchel never gave up a run in 22 innings, striking out 28 and walking two. Colby Rasmus obliterated a pitch from Masahiro Tanaka – a ball that missed badly, down and in, right in the nitro zone – in the second…

October is finally here and we should rejoice, because this is by far the best month of the year. It’s really no contest whatsoever, either; the other 11 sad-sack months aren’t even fit to sniff October’s jock strap. If you feel otherwise, just know that you’re wrong, and you’ll always be wrong. October deserves our eternal praise for many reasons: The NFL season is in full swing by this point, which means it’s much easier to determine the shittiest teams in the league and avoid torturing yourself by accidentally watching most of an awful game on a fall Sunday. I can’t…

Curiosity, as always, reigns supreme among our readers, evidenced by the search terms used to find our site. Here are some of our favorites from September: what if you get kidnapped and poop your pants contract for selling your soul godzilla butt nice and fresh pics of penis alien corpses on mars sexy bee’s butt hot women on tractors hot hot penis picture big chinese butt ted cruz robot artificial intelligence satan miranda kerr ass butts story telling batman chingy latest news september 2015 flo from progressive insurance died from? berenstain bears jewish lick ass for money paleo boogers in…

The Wall Street Journal had a big report this week on women in the workplace, covering everything from the importance of networking to how to get more women simply working in general. One article in the report detailed the concerning gap between the number of men and women in the tech field particularly, and it included companies like Google, Facebook, Twitter and Yahoo among the culprits. While it seemed like a pretty standard piece on the subject – all of those companies are trying really hard to close that gap – there was a very interesting quote about Slack Technologies near the end:…

I’ve recently learned about Okilly Dokilly, the Ned Flanders-themed metal band based out of Phoenix. When I first saw the picture of them, with those Ned Flanders outfits, I was intrigued, but cautious. I’ve seen niche metal bands pop up before, attempting to marry the concept of goofiness with brutal, punishing music. But the problem is that these bands have rarely been able to back up the concept with quality music. Luckily, Okilly Dokilly sure doesn’t disappoint. The band currently has four demo songs out right now, which you can listen to below. “Nothing At All” is my personal favorite. Okilly…

On Sunday, Minnesota Vikings running back Adrian Peterson made his first start at home since being suspended for the 2014 season following his indictment on felony child injury charges last September (Peterson eventually pleaded no contest to misdemeanor reckless assault as part of a plea deal and avoided any jail time). And wouldn’t you know it, Vikings fans sure were glad to see their guy, so much so that they gave him a standing ovation before the game and chanted “AP! AP!” during it. Peterson had a great game, racking up 192 all-purpose yards (he was the team’s leading rusher and…