Author: Steve

When I saw that Macklemore was appearing in President Obama’s weekly address, I thought, “Finally, this administration is doing something productive! The president himself is going to force Macklemore to publicly apologize for poisoning the airwaves and single-handedly trying to ruin music forever.” Somehow, I was wrong. Instead of a tearful apology for “Thrift Shop” “Can’t Hold Us,” or anything else the Seattle-born musician has ever recorded, the president had Macklemore on to discuss the growing opioid crisis and the perils of addiction. It’s an important video highlighting a problem the country absolutely needs to address, but still, how could they…

Here’s a story the LAMESTREAM MEDIA isn’t going to cover. Apparently, according to a “news” “outlet” called Food and Our Health, one brave Christian stood up to the heathens at NASA recently, said some stuff about the Bible, and everyone over there just figured he was right. And then to take it a step further, they just went ahead and assumed everything else in the Bible was true, too. Eat shit, Neil deGrasse Tyson! No sane person can ever argue that there is a better sport than baseball, this much is true. That was only bolstered this week when a hero…

“The way of success is the way of continuous pursuit of knowledge.” – Napoleon Hill, Think and Grow Rich With that in mind, here is an unedited list of some search terms used to discover Robot Butt in April: unknowingly naked robot boobs bernie sanders wearing a trump hat good for a boner sexy woman and tractors ted cruz and the joker robot girlfriend is mcdonalds made of human meat dave coulier butt mom puke son stop smiling at work lady liberty monster statue could there be robot aliens ted cruz is a robot butt seduce what did flo from progressive have?…

In what can only be described as the most horrific national security mistake ever committed in United States history, the White House allowed television producer and minion of Satan Chuck Lorre to roam its halls last week. He was there with Allison Janney, who remains a national treasure despite starring in a Chuck Lorre CBS sitcom called Mom (though I’m not convinced she’s not being forced to do it against her will). Janney took the podium at the White House press briefing as her West Wing character C.J. Cregg, initially to have some fun with the room (because Janney will forever be a delight),…

The beard is nearly extinct in American politics, especially when it comes to the presidency, and it doesn’t look like the trend will reverse itself anytime soon. The United States’ last fully bearded president was Benjamin Harrison, who served from 1889-1893. Our 23rd president capped off a really impressive streak of bearded presidents, starting with Abraham Lincoln, our 16th president. Lincoln was followed by Ulysses S. Grant (18), Rutherford B. Hayes (19), James A. Garfield (20) and Harrison as fellow presidential beardsmiths. Not to be completely outdone, presidents Chester Arthur (21) and Grover Cleveland (22 and 24) sported mustaches in…

People love fawning over babies like they’re the greatest thing in the world, but they’re not. It’s not even close. Ask yourself: When has a baby ever done something cool like hit a home run or tell a hilarious joke? Never! Even more baffling is that babies can’t even perform basic functions that adults do each and every day. I’m supposed to cheer when a baby spouts gibberish and is barely able to stand on its own two legs? Please. It’s time we gain the upper hand against those wiggling little soft-skulled menaces. So when you’re inevitably face-to-face with a…

“Every mind was made for growth, for knowledge, and its nature is sinned against when it is doomed to ignorance.” – William Ellery Channing With that in mind, here is an unedited list of some search terms used to discover Robot Butt in March: ross and monica too close robot boobs ted cruz looks like dracula disney princess pooping hot disgusted boob tribble sex hillary clinton’s butt how to deal with a psychopath roommate mcdonalds news human meat should i be strokin licking butt cheeks donald trump potato real visions of hell wife pooping with door open ted cruz looks like…

I didn’t write a 6,000-word longform piece detailing how ham is the worst meat on the planet, but I could if I wanted to. Do you hear me, National Ham Council? I could if I wanted to! But after suffering through another ham-infested Easter, I know I can no longer stand idly by and watch as this subpar meat is prominently featured in two major holidays (Easter and Christmas) and continues to infringe on another (Thanksgiving). Not to mention the way the ham lobby has positioned its meat as somehow equal, if not superior, to other lunch meats like turkey and roast…

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Em4nIlxXr3Q Typing is a horrible curse no human should ever have to endure. And now, thanks to the SpeechTastic 3000, you’ll never have to! With this amazing tool, simply say what you’re thinking and it magically appears on the screen! The act of typing may have been unleashed upon humanity by the devil himself, but your eternal salvation awaits in the SpeechTastic 3000. Buy yours today!