Nobody freak out. I can’t find the elevator certificate. It’s missing. Gone. Don’t ask me where it went, don’t ask me how it got there, because I have absolutely no clue. What I do know: every elevator here says the permit for these puppies is in the office — our office. That’s ten lifts, thirty floors, conveying over a thousand people an hour, but it only takes one do-gooder questioning the elevators’ mechanical integrity to bring this whole operation to the ground floor. So let’s calm down and figure this shit out. No, there aren’t any copies, Jenn. You know the deal:…
Author: Ryan David
Ryan David
Ryan David is a Jewish comedy writer with an unflattering cheese addiction. His work has appeared in Slackjaw, Points in Case, The Haven, and End of the Bench Sports.
Smiling doesn’t win you gold medals.Simone Biles, Third Runner-up on Season 24 of Dancing with the Stars Competitive Smiling 4-Meter Sprint Mental Gymnastics (Assuring yourself that Trump can’t win the election) Archery, À la The Hunger Games Milk Gallon Challenge Beer Pong Dad Garage-Band Talent Show (Every group only plays Free Bird and is named “The Grateful Dad”) Arm Wrestling WWE Wrestling Web Surfing A Failed NBC knockoff of Survivor IKEA Furniture Assembly Singles Yoga Doubles Yoga Couples Therapy Break Dancing (nevermind) Axe Catching Tony Hawk’s Pro Skater for Nintendo 64 Mega-golf The Stanford Prison Experiment Monkey Bar Racing Bullfighting Karate: Fly catching Table Tennis: Fly…