Author: Robot Butt News Corp.

A man watching the 1993 action/thriller film Jurassic Park reported that if he was in charge, things would have turned out differently. “It was that Nedry guy,” said a confident Jeff Baker, as he momentarily glanced away from his television screen. “Hammond keeps saying they ‘spared no expense,’ but if that’s true, then why hire the lowest bidder for a key staff position?” “Plus, why even have carnivores?  They’re just going to make trouble,” Mr. Baker said, “What they should have done is start with herbivores, then add the more dangerous dinosaurs later.” Turning back to the TV, he added, “If they just…

PAINESVILLE, Ohio – Police responded yesterday to a report of a local flower exposing itself while peeping in a beehive. The three-month-old bee lives on the 200 block of Auburn Road and reported the incident on Wednesday morning. The flower is reportedly purple and green with grossly engorged stamen.

The appraisers on Antiques Roadshow were blown away this week when they came across one of the highest-valued collections in the show’s history. “I couldn’t believe it when I came across all this stuff in an old attic. It just looked like a bunch of old junk to me,” said Armand Pfeiffer, curator of the Smithsonian for the past three months.

“We’re all so busy throughout the week that it’s nice to sit down, have a fun ritual and bond over something we love.”

The President spent a long weekend relaxing with a cup of coffee and his Yahoo Fantasy Selective Services Draft page.

“Where else do you get the opportunity to meet such unique, interesting people from all walks of life?”

“Not only was my bracket busted, but I can hardly remember what she smells like anymore.”

“I just want you to know that I know.”