Author: Robot Butt News Corp.

What could he possibly mean by this?! Nearly every one of our nation’s defense groups were on alert this week after Punxsutawney Phil, the groundhog that predicts the weather every February 2nd, seemed to have given a vague warning about this year’s upcoming Groundhog Day. Phil was seen looming from his tree hole, sporting a new, clearly evil, mask. Witnesses on the scene say he looked out at his town longingly, deep in thought, for over an hour. When asked by our man on the scene what he was thinking through, Phil only added to the confusion. “I’m tired. Tired…

In an unsurprising win, phone app Subway Surfers once again won the Golden Globe, or something. I wasn’t really paying attention. I just had the awards show on in the background while I was watching Tiktok recipe videos that would burn my apartment down if attempted. It looked like Ron from Parks and Rec won, though, and that freakin’ rocks I love that show. He eats all the bacon they have!

Frasier mania continues its iron grip on the United States! For the 30th year in a row – since the spinoff sitcom debuted all the way through its triumphant resurgence on Paramount+ this year – Frasier is far and away the most popular baby name in the country, for both boy and girls. It seems like no matter where you go these days, you’re going to meet someone named Frasier, a trend that now looks primed to continue for generations to come. “It’s a great honor to see people treat our sitcom with such reverence,” Frasier actor Kelsey Grammer said.…

MUSHROOM KINGDOM – After working nonstop for what felt like years, course guard and cloud rider Lakitu finally took a vacation from the sanctioned go-karting of the Mushroom Kingdom. Unfortunately, tragedy struck as multiple racers suffered fatal injuries during the day’s grand prix. It seemed as if almost every racer went off the course at some point with varying degrees of consequence. It’s easy to speculate that the drivers are used to having Lakitu’s fishing line there to catch them and set them back on the course. Among the victims of what is being called the worst day in the…

Halloween heads are in for a treat, as the Hallmark Channel has finally unveiled the lineup for its much-beloved Halloween movie season, taking place throughout all of October and leading up to the big day itself. This year, the movie marathon is headlined by the premiere of Hellraiser in Love, starring Lacey Chabert and Luke Macfarlane, two of the heavy hitters in Hallmark’s rotation. “We’re so excited to bring to you the story of how Pinhead finally falls in love,” Hallmark programming executive Shane Yost said. “For too long, the Cenobites have helped others experience the ecstasy of the flesh,…

SANTA CLARA, Calif. – Sources are reporting that Suzanne Chambers, an incredibly busty and thirsty MILF, has spent the afternoon absolutely begging her well-endowed stepson for a sip of his Gatorade. “Please, Michael, I need it so bad,” a neighbor overheard Chambers saying, as she worked in her garden. “There’s nothing I wouldn’t do for a taste of your delicious blue Gatorade.” Those with knowledge of the situation said Michael, Chambers’ 18-year-old stepson who recently hit a growth spurt and has bulked up considerably over the summer, was initially reluctant to indulge his stepmom, not with a sip nor a…

PERDIDO, Alabama – Walmart will be reinstating its wildly unpopular pants policy in the wake of rising COVID-19 Delta variant cases.  The retail giant announced Monday, via their Facebook page, that all customers and employees will be required to wear some form of pants, shorts or culottes at all times when inside the store.  “As the pandemic presses on, we ask that everyone respects one another by wearing any form of pants at all times when inside one of our stores. Boxer briefs, cheekies, or simply going bottomless all together will no longer be tolerated until we get this thing…

ATLANTA – The Centers for Denise Control is expected to walk back calls for another round of shots for the table, according to sources within Chugger’s Bar & Grille familiar with the matter. “While we have been very pleased about the shot efficacy and distribution thus far, we’re receiving some troubling data about this most recent round,” Denise Control Director Madison Andrews said. “Crying jags, drunk dialing an ex-boyfriend, vomiting, and alleyway peeing are all highly likely side effects. We’ve also noticed a strong uptick in demands that bartenders ‘Play T-Swift!’ I wish we had better news to share, but…

MILWAUKEE – An arrest has finally been made for the murder of rich socialite and candy mogul Edgar Stanley Franklin III. Unfortunately, further investigation has nearly immediately found that the lead detective on the case wrongfully arrested an innocent man. The murder took place in the middle of the night last Thursday at Franklin’s mansion. Franklin was the victim of multiple stab wounds to increasingly surprising places. The suspect list included many of his closest relatives, who were all staying in the mansion the night of the murder. With all the potential murderers under one roof, ace detective and former…

LONDON – Following a disturbing holiday episode in which noted moneylender Ebenezer Scrooge was found cackling, flailing, and raving to himself about “spirits,” the poor man was entrusted to local constables for depositing within Halliwick’s Asylum for the Mentally Deranged.“Oh, ‘twas dreadful. Absolutely dreadful,” said Mrs. Eustace Dilber, Scrooge’s housekeeper. “I found him meself and he was running on about ghosts of days gone by and little crippled boys’ deaths and all sorts of prattle. Handing out money he was too, which was none too customary for one like Mr. Scrooge. I knew then and there the doctors had to…