Author: Robot Butt News Corp.

WASHINGTON – Current head of the recently renamed department of War and axe throwing terror Pete Hegseth has reportedly jailbroken his Tesla’s auto-driving functions to add more swerving. Hegseth apparently asked Barron Trump to “hack into it” adding that he “doesn’t know any other kids” and “kids are good at that kind of stuff.” This comment was particularly confusing as Hegseth has two sons of his own. After Barron apparently “hacked” the Tesla’s automatic driving software, Hegseth asked him to “make it where it kind of swerves a little bit into the other lane, then snaps out of it and…

WASHINGTON – Despite being welcomed with two separate meals of McDonald’s and a stripped down living room that is apparently going to be rebuilt with solid gold “very soon,” guests at The White House last weekend said they felt confused and worried when it came to what is considered polite in the home of the president. “I don’t know… I know they have all kinds of rooms where people are working out war plans, signing legislature, or playing Call of Duty with Eric and Don Jr., but even with so much going on, it felt weird to keep my shoes…

In yet another act of postering by Trump and Hegseth’s recently renamed department of war, president Trump is now telling interviewers he plans to establish a military presence in the fictional screensaver Roku City.  This threatening and confusing announcement was first made via a post on Truth Social: ROKU CITY will be SIEGED AND MADE SAFE AGAIN. Had to pause The Ballerina (FROM THE WORLD OF JOHN WICK) and was met with a screen covered in CRIME AND SAVAGERY. GIANT MONSTERS, ROBOTS, AND ALIENS hurting innocent America loving people! We will take care of this! President DJT The post was…

Comic book fans are picking apart the latest set photo from the currently shooting Spider-Man sequel. After previous photos have all but confirmed appearances from The Punisher, The Hulk, and even Spider-Man, the latest features a mystery man that the internet hasn’t been able to place yet. The character appears to be some costumed as some kind of security guard, and assuming he was rehearsing for his yet to shoot scenes, it could assumed his role in the film will involve guarding some kind of location, maybe a film set, and even being extremely rude to our camera-man who snuck…

WASHINGTON— Flailing their arms and juking staff members, Donald Trump Jr. and Eric Trump were reportedly sprinting around The White House Tuesday with their shirts off and a big “1” and “3” written on their chests. “You’ll never catch us!” shouted Don Jr. to no one in particular in the west wing as he hit a spin move around a seemingly disinterested White House aide. “Even if you catch both of us, you’ll never find the third brother running around. He’s way faster than me or Don. He’s the fastest and the sneakiest and the craziest of all of us.”…

After the stunning conclusion of the 2025 Kentucky Derby, we raced (just a little post-derby joke) to get famous race horse Secretariat’s take on the results. We also made a point to not google whether or not he was still alive, even though we have a pretty good guess, because we like this headline a lot and don’t want logic to ruin it. Not googling does also mean we took a genuine shot at spelling his name right. Let us know in the comments below if we nailed it. If we didn’t, go read SlackJaw or something, since we clearly…

HOLLYWOOD, MAYBE – In a recent report we assume exists somewhere, it was confirmed most likely that director Adam McKay is eyeing his next feature film project, a blockbuster satire about the recent tariffs and their effect on the U.S. economy. “I feel like we need people to vocalize their voices about the current administration and their insistence on bringing business ethics into the management of our country,” we assume is something Mckay would say on like a press tour or something. “That’s why when I saw the recent tariff debacle and saw online discourse that showed how little of…

Epic Games released a distressing press statement last week making sure that the public understood that their method of adding pop superstar Sabrina Carpenter to hit video game Fortnite was shrinking down the real Carpenter and dropping her into a massive computer. “Everyone was so excited that Katy Perry went to space. Who cares! We’re getting so tired of NASA and their showboating. Our facility has more tech than all of their moon bases combined! We have defense contracts with the six biggest military contractors in the world, but everyone is shitting their pants with joy because the singer of…

WASHINGTON – Elon Musk’s stream of Path of Exile 2 went off the rails last week when he was mercilessly trolled until he rage-quit from the game altogether. The first half hour of the stream went fine, outside of Musk somehow dying roughly 34 times to the first NPC in the game that is only there to offer the intro quest, but then a large group of trolls with names like “Elon_SUX,” “ELON_IS_A_L0SER,” and “Grimes” began spamming the chat with the message “what are you eating under there?” Elon smirked and nodded for a bit, before finally acknowledging the messages.…

WASHINGTON – Local film major and most annoying guy to meet at a social event Clyde Wilson has reported that he saw some vague, crazy thing this morning. When pressed to explain what he saw, he was only able to come up with one adjective. “Yeah, it was like… you know… like what if there was a… there’s really only one way to describe it.” Wilson then went on to explain that he hasn’t seen any of David Lynch’s work, but that he’s seen a lot of video essays on YouTube about it. He tried to go on, but we…