Author: Robot Butt News Corp.

Mouths agape and eyes fixed on their clasped hands, Americans at dining tables across the country today struggled to name something they were thankful for when called upon. “Oh, uhhh,” said Cleveland man George Kranish. “Boy. Hoo boy. [prolonged sigh]. Karen? You want to field this one?” While Americans earnestly sought a positive sentiment to share with their loved ones, all found themselves unable to finish the simple statement “I’m thankful for…,” with many bursting into tears, crying out in frustration, or just staring vacantly at their children. “If nothing else, normally I would have used “our health,” said Duluth…

WASHINGTON – In an impromptu White House press conference this morning, President Trump, clad in a tight-fitting turkey costume, pardoned himself for “being delicious” as well as “any and all federal crimes he may have committed since birth.” “This is wonderful,” Mr. Trump said in unprepared remarks. “We’re here, it’s almost Thanksgiving. Pilgrims, Indians, candied yams – so tasty – mashed potatoes, pie… Jared, tell the cooks to start early. But Thanksgiving. Tremendous holiday. The best. Oh, and gotta have the turkey – not this one though. Sorry, Bobby. Also, I absolve myself of crimes – all crimes – past…

WASHINGTON – Responding to claims of pedophilia, corruption and sexual abuse among Republican lawmakers, Senate Majority Leader Mitch McConnell took a moment today to remind voters that good can only exist as an opposite to evil. Explaining that several key figures in the Republican party have always known what goodness lies deep within the heart of man, McConnell went on to explain that Republicans have taken it upon themselves to be the “repulsive and damnable wretches that inspire our citizens to greatness.” “From what ghastly crucible would heroes emerge if not for the eldritch legislative horrors we spin?” he went on to ask the…

WASHINGTON – Confirming Congress’s long-held theories about the country, a startling new study released today by researchers at the National Rifle Association show that the U.S. is only “a few weapons purchases away” from eliminating gun violence nationwide. The 400-page study presents evidence that the nation would be a “veritable utopia” if not for the few remaining Americans, all mentioned by name, that “inexplicably don’t want to be strapped head-to-toe in the latest, most powerful firearms and tactical gear.” “Our research determines conclusively that the nation today is tantalizingly close to eradicating homicides, armed robberies, and mass-shootings,” said study co-author and…

LOS GATOS, Calif. – Looking to further cater to the growing number of users who “binge watch” TV shows, Netflix has announced a new feature which will allow viewers to skip straight to the end of the program they are watching. The new feature comes after Netflix has seen a mostly positive reaction to the “Skip Intro” feature, which allows viewers to easily skip over the opening credits of a show. Seeing this as further confirmation of the trend of viewers blowing through storylines as quickly as possible, the streaming service is betting that a “Skip to the End” feature will…

MILWAUKEE – Citing a barrage of photos and several eyewitness accounts, Facebook users were able to confirm today that a Slenderman at an area Halloween party was indeed fat. “After carefully examining the attendee, Brian Saxon, from several angles within photos made available to us, we can confidently rule out any deceptive lighting,” said social media user Keith Burgett. “And while the camera does add ten pounds, that simply can’t account for what we’re seeing here today.” “Maybe he was trying for some other character, though,” Burgett allowed. Fellow partygoer Sara Denning offered clarification: “Oh, he was definitely Slenderman. Brian…

WASHINGTON – With Halloween drawing near, people across the country are preparing to celebrate. That includes the White House, where President Donald Trump has decided to forgo handing out candy in lieu of providing trick-or-treaters with electoral maps of his 2016 victory over Hillary Clinton. “Halloween is a very special time of year, very special,” Trump said. “And I want to make sure these children get something just as special. So I will be handing out copies of the 2016 electoral map, which if you remember, I won, by the biggest margin of any election. So I think the kids will really,…

WASHINGTON – As speculation runs rampant over the mental well-being of the 45th president of the United States, those close to Donald Trump are now suggesting that he may be “sundowning,” among other things. While “sundowning” refers to worsening mental ability as the day goes on in dementia or Alzheimer’s patients, in the case of the commander-in-chief, time of day seems irrelevant. “He’s definitely sundowning,” said an anonymous aide in the White House. “He’s also terrible in the morning though, so maybe he’s daytiming as well?” Daytiming is not a known medical term, but it speaks to the concept that the president…

WASHINGTON – President Donald Trump made another phone call to a fallen soldier’s widow this weekend, comforting her by guaranteeing that the country will finally start saying “Merry Christmas” once again this holiday season. “I got these big beautiful crowds at my rallies,” the president explained to the grieving woman on the other end of the line. “And I told them, ‘We’ll be saying it again, I can promise you that.’ And here we are. Anyway, I know that’s a very nice thing I did that you’d appreciate.” The soldier, Lt. Mark Andrews, was killed late last week in a firefight in Syria, which Trump…