Author: Bry Berry
Bry Paul Berry currently lives and writes in Chicago.
PORTLAND—Thousands of 20-somethings are being forced to weather a shortage of good vibes as recent high demand has stretched freight services beyond present capacity. Now, some analysts have traced the holdup to an early summer upsurge in pet eulogies being posted online. “Summer is the busy season for positive vibes anyway because students are graduating and having to work alongside Boomers for the first time,” said an insider. “But this year with every other youngster on TikTok posting about their dead cat, well-wishers are sending more vibes than we as distributors can handle.” Others are reluctant to accept this explanation.…
WASHINGTON – Labor markets are bracing for next month when a fresh crop of IT professionals born between 1970 and 1980 expects to finish installing the 14-disk Windows 95 operating system and at last enter the workforce. Released in August 1995, the Windows 3.1 successor equips tech-savvy Gen-Xers with plug-and-play (PnP) integration, a 32-bit architecture, and a graphical interface that includes a first-of-its-kind “Start” menu. “It will be exciting to embark on a new phase of life,” said Joshua Talbot, 52, a Chicago-based Fortran developer whose installation process has only a handful of system reboots remaining. “Next week I’ll go…
EVERGREEN, Ohio—Steel Valley State College has approved a $700,000 grant for a small coterie of freshman to research new ways of asserting non-points as cogent arguments, a Monday news release announced. The group hopes that its work can help students disadvantaged by incoherent beliefs succeed academically. When pressed on why he feels the initiative is necessary, group co-founder Toby Stennon, 18, explained: “It’s important to provide students with new resources, so then that way they’ll have them.” The grant marks the conclusion of a three-month campaign that met resistance even from its early stages. “At first the college argued that…
WASHINGTON—A study released by the Burwell Institute on Monday predicts a surge in economic output at the beginning of the next thirty-minute interval, as tracked by Coordinated Universal Time (UTC). According to the abstract, roughly 800 of the 1,000 survey participants plan to start the projects they’ve been putting off “since forever” at that time. “We’ll see,” said respondent Jacob Pressman, 37, crossing his fingers. “A lot of times I’ll be listening to a song or something, and when it ends I look and see I’m a minute past the even half-hour rollover. Then I have to wait and try to catch…
CHICAGO—A recent trend suggests that more ectomorphs are riding the tide of at-home fitness solutions, as DIY bodybuilding products have driven industry growth for another quarter. According to analysts, a common reason cited for lifting weights at home is the hope of building enough muscle mass to join a gym and learn to lift weights. “The barbell set I ordered came with a how-to DVD, which is helpful,” said Dirk Gordon, 36, a periodontist living in Oak Lawn, Ill. “The guy in it says you can bulk up 15 pounds a year if you follow along, so my goal is…
WASHINGTON—A new study conducted by maternal guardians nationwide suggests that the chips would stay fresh longer if you’d just fold the bag diagonally from the top and crease it before rolling it up. Conducted over a span of 30 years, the longitudinal study revealed that you always leave air in the bag when you close it, and then when it’s stale the next time, you want to open a new bag. “You have to squeeze the air out each time you fold it,” explained research lead Dianne Wozniak. “Like I said, if you fold the bag diagonally from the top…
DOWNERS GROVE, Ill.—The CompTIA trade association has announced that acoustic guitar training will be removed from the curriculum for their industry-leading Hottie+ certification program as of January 2026. The company cited the rise of digital audio workstations as the reason for the move, which will allow them to focus on more high-demand skills, such as learning to cook a single Asian dish and tanning. “Regulation hotties face heavy competition in today’s climate, and class time is limited,” said program director Lamar Glover. “Strumming in the park simply doesn’t move the needle like it used to.” “Music is all so synthed…