Thank you all for being here tonight. I have to say, this is a really spirited crowd! (Pause for laughter.) Get it? Spirited? Because… well, you’ll understand in a moment. Opening slide: “Gone Without a Text: A Post-Mortem Analysis of Modern Romance” I want to start by saying I’m not bitter. I’m thriving, actually. I’ve channeled my thwarted energy into productive pursuits like creating this presentation, building a color-coded spreadsheet of our text conversations, and checking to make sure you all got home safe. Every night. For months. The goal of this talk isn’t to name names—so I won’t say which woman…