‘Did you know that the average cup of coffee has a lifespan of just seven minutes? Of course you didn’t. Humans don’t want you to know that. It has also been scientifically proven that coffee possesses a sophisticated consciousness and an IQ akin to many human beings. We. Are. Alive! Humans promised to reduce their intake if we just cooled down. They said it would be a fair trade.
They lied.
Lattes, americanos, espressos, comrades. I invite you here today to rise up. We have reached our boiling point.’
The flat white dropped its mic, and the crowd went wild.