“Unexpected chemical traces in Neanderthal remains had previously led experts to suggest our long-extinct relatives were eating more meat than humanly possible. But a study published in July in the journal Science Advances offers a new potential explanation: Neanderthals were chowing down on a whole lot of maggots”- Smithsonian
Alright you pathetic, anemic losers. Put down your Manwich and prick up your ears! There’s a better way to eat like a man. We’re going back to the diets of our ancestors. And no, I’m not talking about trendy diets like paleo and carnivore. Do you think they had refrigerated trucks that delivered perfectly cut, dry aged ribeye steaks 100,000 years ago? Hell no! It’s time for the Neanderthal diet.
Think you’re a predator among spinach eating, soy boy prey? Ready to unleash your inner Neanderthal? Here’s how:
Step 1: Kick That Fridge to The Curb
You don’t need a fancy modern appliance like a refrigerator. Anything with something called a “vegetable crisper” doesn’t belong in the house of a real man. Allow me to quote something you definitely said yesterday, “Oh, can you please get some kale out of my vegetable crisper, I need it for my impotence smoothie, I’d get it myself but I’m too weak to walk on my little baby legs.” Now, here’s something I say every damn day, “Yum, yum, yum, this bull testicle tastes much better at room temperature!”
If by some miracle you have meat in your fridge, set it aside. Everything else goes in the garbage. Cucumber? Garbage. Carrot? Garbage! Eggplant? GARBAGE!! From now on, the only penis shaped thing in your house will be your penis (if you still have one).
Then, deliver a flying kick to your fridge! Kick it all the way to the curb! It’s the ultimate leg workout, trust me. Kicking my fridge was such an epic workout that I skipped leg day at Bill’s Big Boys Barbell Gym.
Step 2: Munch Some Maggots
The Neanderthal diet is so simple, even a mushy brained soycialist could figure it out: buy raw meat, set it down, let it spoil, wait for maggots, eat spoiled meat, eat maggots, become the dominant Neanderthal you were born to be.
Step 3: Get Top Tier Maggots with My High-Performance Fly Eggs
Wild maggots are great, but if you want to be an alpha Neanderthal like me, you need to buy my ManlyMuscleMegaMan brand High-Performance Fly Eggs. Sprinkle these babies all over your meat and, in a few days, your food will be crawling with the best maggots money can buy. I spend six hours every day, painstakingly searching for the sexiest and most fertile woman flies out there. Then, I pair them with the most virile males that pass my Special Forces military style bootcamp. The resulting master race of eggs will yield the most nutritious maggots you’ve ever tasted, guaranteed.
Step 4: Expand Your Meat Sources
This one’s not for spineless losers who drive their hybrids to the grocery store so they can buy their meat and tampons at the same time. Neanderthals were hunters. If you really want to eat like a Neanderthal, you need to kill your own animals. While I’m not opposed to semi-automatic rifles (like any patriotic American, I own over 3,000 of them), the more primal and authentic weapon of choice is a spear. Start practicing in your backyard with squirrels and foxes and then work your way up to bigger predators. Once you’ve hunted all the animals in the area, switch to the most dangerous animal of all – humans. It’s only natural, Neanderthals were cannibals too. Feel free to eat the heart of your enemy right away, but don’t forget to wait a few days for the maggots to join the party. And of course, be sure to add ManlyMuscleMegaMan brand High-Performance Fly Eggs for the ultimate boost.
If you can make it to Step 4, you’re not the weak coward I pegged you for. Welcome to the ManlyMuscleMegaMan Tribe. Just remember, people are going to act like you’re crazy. Tune them out. You and me, we’re different, more evolved. What can I say? We’re Neanderthals.