At a hastily called press conference flanked by Gilligan armed with a bamboo shaft, The Skipper accused the Professor and Mary Ann of building windmills on the Island, reneging on a previous windmill nonproliferation accord. “They’re killing us,” he said. “They’re killing the beauty of our scenery, our valleys, our beautiful plains—I’m not talking about airplanes, I’m talking about beautiful plains. You look up and you see windmills all over the Island. It’s a horrible thing.”
“I know windmills very much,” he added. “If it doesn’t blow, you can forget about anything for that night. If you love birds, you’d never want to walk under a windmill, because it’s a very sad, sad sight. It’s like a cemetery. We put a little statue made of coconut shells for the poor birds.”
The professor refuted these claims, stating that “There are more birds that fly into the walls of island huts, including [The Skipper’s], that kill more birds than wind energy does”.
The Skipper, while devouring a banana cream pie, scoffed at this. “You know we have a world, right? So, the world is tiny compared to the universe.” He also insisted that harm to wildlife was not limited to birds. “The windmills are driving the whales crazy, obviously,” he insisted. “If you have a windmill anywhere near your hut, congratulations: Your hut just went down 75% in value. And they say the noise causes cancer. You tell me that one, OK? Rrrrr, rrrrr… you know the thing that makes the… it’s so noisy.”
“I never understood wind,” he added. “It is the worst form of energy, the most expensive form of energy, but windmills should not be allowed. When they start to rust and rot in eight years you can’t really turn them off, you can’t burn them. They won’t let you bury the propellers, the props, because there’s a certain type of fiber that doesn’t go well with the Island. After 10 years they look like hell and start to get tired, old.”
Mary Ann questioned these assumptions, stating, “The Skipper is against wind energy because he doesn’t understand our Island’s energy needs and dislikes the sight of them near his private huts”. She also felt he was “completely out of touch”.
The Skipper, however, brushed aside her concerns. “We’re not going to let windmills get built because we’re not going to let ‘Contrary Mary’ Ann or the so-called ‘Professor’ destroy our Island any further than it’s already been destroyed,” he said, while making an odd pinching gesture with his right hand.
“You go and look at these beautiful beaches, and they’re loaded up with this garbage that gets worse and worse looking with time,” he added. “We’re not going to approve windmills unless something happens that’s an emergency. I guess it could happen, but we’re not doing any of them.”
The Skipper also linked consumption of feral island hogs to wind power, “You take a look at bacon and some of these products — and some people don’t eat bacon any more,” he said. “We are going to get the Island energy prices down. When we get energy down, you know … this was caused by their horrible energy — wind. It is time to break away, finally, from this craziness!!!”
Gilligan agreed with The Skipper. “I think wind is the biggest scam out there. It’s total bullshit. They’re ugly. This beautiful Island that used to be green. And now you have these disgusting, dystopian windmills. I’m sorry, they are ugly,” he continued. “I will die on this hill. They’re ugly, and I don’t want them in our Castaway society.”
Gilligan echoed the Skipper’s claims that wind turbines kill birds and whales, saying he “had no idea” about the problems until The Skipper told him about them. “It’s a very real problem,” Gilligan said.
He called for an end to island subsidies for wind. “Accept that it’s a mistake, it’s not that efficient,” he said. “I think we should just say, ‘This was a failed experiment. We’re going to stop subsidizing this.’”
The Skipper then took off his captain’s hat and repeatedly smacked Gilligan on the head with it. Next, he smiled and said “Thank you for your attention to this matter!”