They do not represent the opinions or values of the Wanton Wonton Fortune Cookie Company.
Here at the Wanton Wonton Fortune Cookie Company, we have received a startling number of complaints to our Fortune Cookie Customer Complaint Department (established for this occasion) regarding the wording of the fortunes. We have traced them back to one source: Fortune Writer Mickey D, who chose to leave the company in February. If you are the recipient of any of the fortunes listed below, please accept our sincerest apology and assurance that they do not represent the opinions or values of the Wanton Wonton Fortune Cookie Company.
***
Genius is one percent inspiration and ninety-nine percent perspiration – which is why Albert Einstein’s nickname was “Professor Pitstains.”
***
It’s what’s on the inside that counts, as the mother said to the child who swallowed a fitness tracker.
***
Blood is thicker than water – unless you live next to a textile mill.
***
It is harder for a rich man to enter the kingdom of God than for a camel to go through the eye of a needle – which means you go to hell if you’re bougie.
***
Sometimes you’re the reservoir of hope, sometimes you’re the reservoir of a condom.
***
Don’t do anything I wouldn’t do. (If you ordered the shrimp spring rolls, this advice came too late.)
***
It is always darkest before dawn – so if you want to key your neighbor’s car, that’s the time to do it.
***
It’s not the heat, it’s the humidity, as the lobster said when he was tossed into the steamer basket.
***
It is a myth that men cannot multitask: we can watch porn and jerk off at the same time.
***
No guts, no gyoza.
***
You should know that cousins can be excellent marriage material.
***
Don’t bury your head in the sand; mud is much better for the skin.
***
Forgive them, Father, for they know not what they do; they called it “Beef” Lo Mein and delivered it to you.
***
Imitation is the sincerest form of plagiarism.
***
You have so much to teach others: we can all learn from your mistakes.
***
When your dog steals your spot in bed, it means it wants to rest in a place that smells like you but is cozier than the landfill.
***
What doesn’t kill you makes you stronger – Wolverine.
***
Remember, you are important to us! (Just a friendly reminder that your car insurance payment is overdue.)
