SPRINGFIELD, OH – The biggest tragedy in Halloween history (probably) struck tonight, when local trick or treater and soul not yet corrupted by the evil in this world Sam Cumple only received candy corn despite going to nearly 80 different houses.
“You hear about this kind of thing on the news, or see nonstop posts about it on Facebook, but you never actually think it’s happening, or that it could ever possibly happen to your family,” Cumple’s mother told us. “I just think about little Sam, and how hurt he could have gotten if we hadn’t decided to check his candy when we got home just to be safe. We almost just let him run off to his room with the whole bag. He could… no, WOULD, have died I think.”
We were forced to end our interview early, as the topic was still clearly too fresh a wound for the Cumple’s. Our interviewer did get to take home a big pile of candy corn, which he was into because he’s a sick fuck with bad taste.
