“I’m the perfect catch,” my beautiful son Jimmy says in his Love Island intro. “Hot as hell, can tongue-twist a cherry stem into a knot, and am currently in possession of an unredacted copy of the Epstein files. Keep the cameras rolling.”
We were all so proud of Jimmy for being selected, given his spotted past. Unfortunately, many key performers in the haunted hayride were indicated in the files. Creatures of the night, mostly, but don’t fret! I’ve made adjustments accordingly:
- The Matt Gaetz House of Little Touches in the Dark Here and There will be closed for the foreseeable future. In general, kid-friendly activities have been suspended.
- Is possessing a doll gender-affirming care? Say it with me now: The! Ghost! Of! Charlie Kirk! Get ready for a thrilling conversation between ghost and demon as Kirk hosts a heated debate with horror icon Chucky!
- This is replacing the Stephen Miller Lookalike Contest (which Jimmy always won anyway, despite being waaay balder).
- When Jimmy said to that lovely young woman, “My type is basically you: smart, funny, killer bod, no obvious connection to the unredacted copy of the Epstein files I smuggled on set,” we thought the worst was behind us. Then he said, “But what’s obvious isn’t always what’s true: What do you have to say about this wire transfer of forty-six thousand dollars to your father’s bank account from the Gates Foundation?” After that, we had to rethink some things. Everyone loved the ChatGPT exhibit of AI-generated images depicting Zombie Jesus pranking the absolute piss out of beloved pets on their way to animal heaven, but for the time being, we’re switching to a generative AI not connected to anyone in the Epstein files. Admittedly, this really reduces our options. The hands are going to be weird again.
- The reenactment of Carrie’s prom night in the Matt Gaetz Barn of Sudden, Brief Massages will not be accessible.
- There were a truly odd amount of references in the Epstein files to “the different levels of squish available at various points in the ripeness of pumpkins,” which I don’t want to unpack. If you carve a mouth into a pumpkin at the carving station, I will have you arrested. Not kidding about this one!!!
- Big muscles, and an even bigger bulge. We got Frankenstein, folks — newly cobbled together by Jimmy with parts that look suspiciously like those of recent Love Island contestants!
- Don’t look directly at the bulge. It’s not what you think it is. I’m sorry I brought it up.
- Survivors of haunted hayrides past will remember Freddie Kreuger’s ongoing battle with depression. Sadly, his recent stint in the White House as Secretary of Yet Even More Bad Stuff hasn’t helped. “Nightmares beyond that which I could compose with mere knives for fingers are on the rise across the nation,” Kreuger told me over a glass of sherry and a superb spread of cured meats and cheeses. “There is no need for me in this administration; I serve no purpose.” Night descended rapidly upon us. Even now, I can feel the tingle of blades against my back, his warm breath upon my neck. “What about my needs?” asked I. We read aloud, for many long, candlelit hours — Keats and Neruda, and even Rilke — until the sun rose like a forgotten promise. We parted ways. Will Freddie ever return? Hard to say. All I know for sure is that while he does currently walk the Earth, nightmares must eventually end.
- We got Pete Hegseth behind the wheel this year, folks. Can you say, “Get this man his keys?”
It’s going to be a great Halloween. A new bombshell has entered the villa! Unredacted.
