After the stunning conclusion of the 2025 Kentucky Derby, we raced (just a little post-derby joke) to get famous race horse Secretariat’s take on the results. We also made a point to not google whether or not he was still alive, even though we have a pretty good guess, because we like this headline a lot and don’t want logic to ruin it. Not googling does also mean we took a genuine shot at spelling his name right. Let us know in the comments below if we nailed it. If we didn’t, go read SlackJaw or something, since we clearly aren’t up to your standards.
All fourteen horses in the derby have been confirmed to be genetic descendants of Secretariat, meaning that no matter what, he was guaranteed to have one of his offspring win, and a bunch more lose. We wanted to find out which side of that coin he was feeling right now, with the race finally over. We sat down with-
Are there actually 14 horses in the race? We didn’t check that either. Be honest, did you see the picture on this article and believe for a second that horse was either Secretariat or one of the derby horses from this year’s race? It’s literally a free photo you get when you search a stock site for “horse.”
So why am I crashing out in this article? Why did I just suddenly switch from “we” to “I.” Is it because I felt bad for using we to protect myself from the guilt of putting out an article without any actual content relating to its premise? Not really, I’m posting this under our news name so technically no one can say I wrote it.
Look, what I’m trying to explain is that having an actual quote from the horse didn’t seem that funny to me for some reason. Sometimes, we have a funny headline idea we want to use, but don’t have an article of substance to go with it. We just have that one line we like, and we don’t use Twitter anymore. Sorry, I mean X.
