Bond: So, the Americans have wet the bed again.
M: I’m afraid so, 007. They’re calling it “SignalGate.”
Bond: If the Americans insist on calling every scandal “Something-Gate,” they ought to get interesting about it. Politician secretly pays off a woman to carry his wife’s baby: SurroGate. Corruption on a failed dam-building contract: FloodGate.
M: Their national security advisor conducted a text chat among principals, on a commercial service, about a military strike, and mistakenly included a journalist.
Bond: The CIA waterboards a suspect to death and surreptitiously buries the body: InterroGate. Which principals?
M: The usual suspects. National Security Advisor, Defense Secretary, Chief of Staff, and so on. And Stephen Miller.
Bond: Why was Miller on the chat? (Starts crooning) Some call me the space cowboy–
M: Not Steve Miller, but Stephen Miller, the president’s anti-immigrant zealot. Comes across as a creepy insurance salesman doing a third-rate Mussolini impression. Why he was on, I have no idea. And, instead of a secure channel, they used Signal.
Bond: A Navy captain takes his nuclear sub for a world-spanning joyride: CircumnaviGate. I wouldn’t use Signal to text my mother.
M: You really need to phone her, James. She inquires with Moneypenny every week about you. The least you could do is send her a fruit basket.
Bond: I’d like to get into Moneypenny’s fruit basket.
M: Not appropriate, 007. Oh, and one of the principals was in Moscow while all this was going on.
Bond: The FBI director sends agents to harass a tailor who only delivered two pieces of the director’s bespoke three-piece suit: InvestiGate. Sounds like the Trumpists might as well have given Russian intelligence a fruit basket.
M: It gets worse. Hegseth, their DefSec, shared OP DEETS.
Bond: OP DEETS?
M: Details. Just trying to keep up with the kids these days. Hegseth messaged everything about an airstrike on the Houthis. Timing, equipment, weaponry, you name it.
Bond: Speaking of tech, that Musk fellow overstays his welcome: ElonGate. No, wait: Abrogate–get it M, a, bro, Gate? I’m assuming we learned about it because the journalist went public.
M: At first he left out the operational parts. But when the officials denied having shared that info, the journalist shared everything.
Bond: A Senator gets caught out yelling at an underling about their body odor: FumiGate. With all that in the open, Trump has no choice but to give the sack to everyone involved, yes?
M: Quite the opposite. He’s digging in. This is the last time we share any information with the US.
Bond: A Cabinet officer spends millions of public funds to build himself a second home: ProfliGate.
M: James, if you can’t stay on task, don’t forget we can discipline you for your constant ass-houndery and call it “TailGate.”
Bond: Good one, M. Congress will be investigating though?
M: With Republicans in the majority, little sign of that so far, I’m afraid. These people will be in charge for the foreseeable future. It’s an absolutely astonishing show of incompetence and cowardice all around.
Bond: You mean…
M: Yes, James. It’s an utter and complete ConjuGate-up.
