It was a dream come true: a new house? No, a new mansion! And after the year we had, we were overcome with gratitude. I cried, of course, when I saw how they’d transformed our dated old house. I did not expect the brand-new ceiling to cry too.
About a week after the film crew left, we started noticing just a sprinkling of issues. A window slightly off its frame, a faucet no one connected to the water line, nails sticking out of the kids’ bedroom floor—things I’m sure anyone with a newly renovated home has had to deal with. But one morning, while we were trying to find where the decorators stashed our heart-shaped waffle maker, the wall separating our new tropical islands-themed room from our new laser tag room came down like a deck of cards made of concrete.
At first, I thought, “Oh, what’s one load-bearing wall?” It’s just the house settling. I mean, however many millions of people watch the show saw how we lived before the makeover. I’d take one half of the house collapsed in on itself over the whole house full of clutter! But now I’m beginning to think that the people who built our three-story mansion in five days cut some corners.
That wall came down, then the deck with an in-ground hot tub buckled under, then we discovered that the game room was actually just a really well done perspective drawing hanging in a doorframe. Little Jimmy ran clear through the paper and flew off the second story into our new rock garden. Thank God, he was okay. Actually, he was ecstatic. Turns out what we thought were expensive imported rocks were just spray-painted foam blocks.
Our first serious storm really put things into perspective, though. We were busy in the kitchen, yet again, fixing some hot cocoa for what looked to be a cozy evening. The rain pitter-pattered against the window while Gabby hummed something from school. As I handed her a mug, a drop fell right into it. From the ceiling. We looked up to get a face full of dusty water as the rain gushed through the roof. We tried to shuffle to another room for safety but the whole house was flooding so we scrambled onto our brand new, and accurately named, island.
The more we poked around, the more we realized the house was a huge mess of work. And unfortunately, duct tape can’t hold a load-bearing wall up. We tried. Since it wasn’t your typical construction job, I wasn’t sure who we should contact about everything. The main contractor we spoke with on the show is really just an influencer, I think. I tried DMing him.
Until he gets back to me and we can get everything fixed, we decided to camp out in the backyard for our own safety. The last thing we need is someone getting up to go to the bathroom in the middle of the night and stubbing their toe on an exposed electrical box. Again.
The experience has really brought our family closer together and closer to nature. One morning, as I shimmied out of our tent to tend the fire, I spied a colony of raccoons moving into our three-story disaster. “If they can make a home there, good for them,” I thought. And they did.
I wish I could say I have buyer’s remorse but we didn’t actually pay for anything. So, I guess I have good deed remorse? One thing’s for sure, when the crowd of people shouting outside our old house said they were here to redo it and change our lives forever, they meant it. But oh well. At least now we don’t have to drive half an hour to take Little Jimmy to the nearest trampoline park. Or the animal rescue.