A New England toddler has promised to unleash a “whirlwind of chaos” unless his nanny locates a toy he lost half a year ago.
Carter Blake Harrison-Clarke-Middlesworth III, three-year old resident of Greenwich, Connecticut, has been beside himself since the discovery. “I’m a reasonable boy,” Carter shouted, “but if I don’t get my toy I swear I’m going to have Nanny Esperanza deported and burn the summerhouse to the ground!”
The problems began last Tuesday, when Carter entered his second bedroom for afternoon play. “I’d been chilling in the pool, and after drying off in the sunshine I went to my second bedroom – the one where I keep the toys that won’t fit in my playroom. I quickly realised that the toy I wanted to play with was missing. So, naturally I lost my shit.”
“He lost the toy six months ago on a skiing trip in Banff,” Nanny Esperanza confirmed to our reporter. “And he hasn’t mentioned it since. I thought he’d forgotten all about it.”*
But Carter has not forgotten, and his fury has reached unprecedented heights. “I don’t see how it’s my responsibility to keep track of my toys; I’ve got like a million of them!” Carter scoffed as he kicked a passing gardener.
“The help are at the end of their tether,” his mother, Fairfax Blaire, heir to the Blaire-Middlesworth latex fortune, explained over videocall from Dubai. “And on the two occasions I have seen my sweet angel Carter this year he has been extremely upset.”**
“He has a piano, a pony, a PS5 with AI headset,” Nanny Esperanza said with an exasperated shake of her head. “He even has two personal assistants! But when I try to explain this to him, he just calls me a ‘poo-poo face’ and throws caviar at the pool boy.”
For now, the whereabouts of the toy remain a mystery, and this unfortunate young boy is left to ride his sit-on children’s Bugatti around the family lake, angry and unamused. “It’s outrageous and deplorable,’ Carter cried. “No child in American should ever have to suffer the way that I have.”
*When asked to clarify what the missing toy is, Carter shrugged and threw a glass of soy milk at our reporter.
**At the time of print, Carter’s father, William Williamson Blake Harrison-Clarke-Middlesworth II, was on an extended beach vacation with his mistress and unavailable for comment.