I’ll start by thanking you for this unique opportunity to wield my influence over consumers by taking a few moments out of my chaotic day to provide you with valuable feedback on my recent experience with your business. I understand participants for this assessment are carefully chosen from a select group of upstanding citizens, and it would be my pleasure to share my unfiltered thoughts on how to improve your overall service and practices.
Now, I can assure you that I definitely will not take advantage of this momentous occasion to go on some sort of bizarre power trip by publicly lashing out at the overworked, slightly-above-minimum-wage-earning barista down the block who, despite providing exceptional service and unparalleled mastery of latte foam art, mistakenly served me oat milk instead of almond milk. It’s not that I’m allergic to oat milk, or even that I dislike oat milk, it’s that I also purchased my favorite cookie, which happens to be oatmeal raisin, and no way was I about to give nearby customers the impression that I’m one breakfast bar away from veering into oat fetish territory. That would be a total misrepresentation of my preferences and would reflect poorly on everyone involved in this feedback loop process.
I do promise not to let my emotions get the best of me and that I will take a respectable amount of time to cautiously choose my words while pondering the real life consequences of my potentially highly negative review. While I will use uplifting phrases like exceeded my expectations, warm/inviting ambiance, and hidden gem, I will occasionally default to harsher criticisms like toxic workplace, major creeper vibes, and would rather eat my kid’s entire playdough pancake breakfast than take one more bite of food from this sad excuse of an establishment.
But before I finalize my commendations or complaints (depending on the day I’m having), I’ll consider a wide range of pertinent perspectives, pondering questions like:
Does my tone accurately convey the level of outrage I am feeling as a result of being asked to fill out a survey on the service I have not yet finished receiving?
Is it a bit ironic that my frustrating call to customer service immediately led to an auto-generated follow-up call to solicit feedback on their service?
Will this cleverly-written review lead to a freelance comedy writing gig or comped meal during my next visit?
How likely is it that my particular choice of words here will lead to my post being taken down immediately?
Is this something that will definitely get me into legal trouble?
If I’m really feeling considerate, I might even take into account the consequences my documented displeasure might have on, say, the Amazon driver who left my lobby in tears yesterday because it took her 8 seconds longer than the company-allotted time to secure my one-item package in the locker, and how this arguably minuscule delay in my need as a consumer to feel instant gratification would likely trigger a text from dispatch informing the driver that her lunch would be cancelled and that the rest of the day would be unpaid. Now you’re probably wondering, could I have just walked down the street to Right Aid and purchased a two-pack of AA batteries there? Of course I could have. And could it be argued that I would have obtained them even faster if I had just gone myself? Also yes. But that’s beside the point.
Listen, I can wrap my head around the privilege of everyday household items arriving at my doorstep at the click of a button, but how else am I supposed to feel heard as a valued customer if not for the chance to give personalized feedback on every transaction I take part in throughout my week? Personally, and I know this may be controversial, but I think we could be even more productive if we started regularly paying people for their honest opinions about their daily activities. Not just consumer services, but all services. I’m talking bus rides, park walks, birthday parties, weddings, emergency room visits, toll booths, filing our taxes, even interactions with neighbors! We would be empowering so many people with crucial evaluations of our public servants and loved ones. Information like:
This couple is definitely opting for a destination wedding, recommend having plans the entire month of August.
ER doctor is super hot, I might have to “accidentally” fall again…
Boss was a bag of dicks. Asked me to do things I definitely should not be asked to do.
This home-owner uses his deafening leaf blower multiple times a week and at inappropriate hours. Can’t parallel park either.
Imagine how many jobs this new line of work would create! Getting paid just to tell other people what you like and what you absolutely hate? Amazing right? Think of all the learning we could do as a society if only we truly knew how people felt about everything all the time. Now tell me that idea doesn’t deserve a 10/10 rating.
Just one last thing before you go, please take a moment to comment on my review, including your name and contact information so that I can follow up with any questions I may have about how your review of my review made me feel. Can’t wait to hear from you!
*This website uses cookies and has already automatically stored your search preferences and interests. To opt out of this data sharing software, please click on one of my pop-ups and an AI chatbot will be available to assist you.
