Kids. One minute you’re dressing them in a Power Rangers costume, the next you’re dressing their wounds suffered at the hands of renowned mixed martial artist Mark Zuckerberg. Where does the time go?
On a similar note – when did everyone start watching UFC? The way everyone knew this Mark Zuckerberg, you would’ve thought he was some big Hollywood actor.
I’m partly to blame. I didn’t think my son would lose. Call it a father’s pride. But also call it betting on the boy’s thirst for blood.
Additionally, I guess I’m more out of touch than I realized. Back in my day, “going viral” had a totally different meaning. I won’t bore you with the details, but it involved soaking your hands in an unexpected bowl of mayonnaise. An “ick” was slang for a litter of newborn goats.
Again, where does the time go?
“The haunted hayride has faced worse obstacles than my son failing to overcome celebrated gladiator Mark Zuckerberg in hand-to-hand combat,” I thought naively.
“Sweet Jimmy’s hands slipping into a startling bowl of mayonnaise isn’t going to result in the entire town acquiring a litter of newborn goats,” I pondered stupidly (failing, of course, to acknowledge the linguistic diachronicity of language).
Now I have to adjust the fucking rules of this bullshit again.
Without further ado, here are this year’s spooktacular changes to the haunted hayride. Be warned – these rule changes are not for the faint of heart!
- Jimmy may approach you during the hayride. He may ask, with seeming innocence, “Do you think you could beat up Mark Zuckerberg?” The only right answer is: No, Mark Zuckerberg would certainly kick my ass. Because if you say yes, the next words out of his sharp-toothed mouth will be, “Oh, so you must think you can beat up me then? You think you can beat me up? Because if I got beat up by Mark, and you think you could beat him up, then you must think you can beat me up too. Go ahead. I’ll let you get the first hit in. Hit me. Hit me right here. It’s not like I’m going to eat you alive if you lose.” But, well, yeah – we all know by now that it is like that.
- On a related note, if during the hayride you see a sort of loose-fitting Mark Zuckerberg doppelgänger running around asking people to “punch my stupid greasy little taint of a face,” do not engage. That’s also Jimmy. That scaly skin Zuckerberg shed after the match? Jimmy nabbed it.
- “Ew, Jimmy stole fabled warrior Mark Zuckerberg’s molted skin? I’m getting the ick all over again!” I don’t want to hear it. Honestly, this ick thing has gone too far. I mean, should we really be adding “losing in a fight to a trained champion” to the list of things that give us second-hand embarrassment? What’s next? Losing to LeBron in a game of basketball? Being less handsome than Pedro Pascal? If that’s where this is going, then how about this for a change to the haunted hayride: You’re not allowed in unless you’re Pedro Pascal. Or unless you’re with Pedro Pascal. Or unless you can somehow get ol’ Creepy Marty in contact with Pedro Pascal. Doesn’t seem so reasonable, does it? Fuck you. You know what gives me the ick? Not being Pedro Pascal.
- We’ve toned down the body horror elements. Anything that could make someone accidentally say “ick” or even “ew,” which have become trigger words for Jimmy. Sorry, I know most of you loved the body horror elements. “That’s so cool and titillating,” I’ve heard countless times over the years. “I wish all hayrides at all holidays had body horror elements. Look at that body horror element! Imagine if the Christmas hayride had that body horror element?” Ah, would that I could leave in all your favorite body horror elements. Especially that one body horror element that everyone just adores – you know the one. But it’s for your safety.
- So there actually is a small chance the Zuck makes an appearance on the farm. The real Zuck – not Jimmy wearing his skin. If he does, whatever you do, do not point at the man and shout “Oh my God, there he is, living weapon Mark Zuckerberg!” If we treat our first famous person no differently than the paparazzi would, we’ll never see a famous face in this town again. And the same goes for Pedro Pascal! Except, if you do see PP, be sure to say loud enough for him to overhear, “Is that Pedro Pascal? He better go see Creepy Marty before the wolves catch his scent! I sure hope we can lift this curse in time to save everyone!” or something along those lines. You get the idea: Send him straight to me without embarrassing the town. I’ll throw a goddamn fit if I hear any of you bumpkins scream, “Oh my God, look, it’s Pedro Pascal, zaddy-waddy make my paddy go maddy!”
- Heee’s back! After video of the fight went viral, Freddie Krueger emerged from his near-fatal battle with depression to re-join us as one of the haunted hayride’s premier attractions. And this year, he wants to ensure the experience is special. “I’m not gonna haunt just, like, anybody,” Freddie said to me in my dream the other night, his legs dangling over the dock, feet kicking just above the motionless, moonlit lake. He passed me the lipstick-stained cigarette. It tasted faintly of cherries, and a lot like smoke. “Basically, I’m only going to go after the people who are giving. You know what I mean?” He dropped his cool façade then, and got to his feet. “I’m not the most pathetic person on the farm anymore!” he squealed, jumping up and down, after which he proceeded to serve serious murderer vibes and slice my throat open with one of his knives.
- To be clear: Per the body horror element precaution, Freddie won’t be slicing anyone else’s throats open in their sleep during the hayride. He’s got loose linen for fingers now. I think he’s doing more of a suffocating thing?
- You know what? I think you’re all going to forget about Jimmy’s devastating loss to “the Steve Jobs of mixed martial arts” Mark Elliot Zuckerberg when you arrive at Creepy Marty’s Creepy Halloween Hayride Haunt this year. Because we’re offering more spooks, more frights, and more bone-rattling terrors (though far fewer body horror elements) than ever before. Never mind the ick! To top it all off, we have a new attraction that will leave you unable to sleep for months. To be honest with you, I don’t know how he got here. But in the spirit of Halloween, perhaps, Mitch McConnell has volunteered to play the part of scarecrow. And you won’t believe how committed he is to the act!
Happy Halloween!
