It’s crucial to the future of my non-profit, bringing Chanel to the disadvantaged.
Hey there Janet,
I hope you remember me from Econ 0110 at Brown. You took better notes, but I think we both paid way more attention to the TA than the professor! Anyway, I see you’re really into this bank-saving thing and, girlfriend to girlfriend, I could use a little help keeping my bank solvent.
By the way, your old Camp Bruno gal pals gave a toast back when you became Secretary of the Treasury. Too bad you weren’t there – it was in your favorite dive bar! I had an extra Tecate with lime in your honor.
And TB totally H, Janet, I am really sorry I missed that big party when you joined the Fed. Like OMG my bad. I was all set to go—REALLY—but I hit a little SNAFU the boyfriend. You’ve got to remember I was dating Rupert. Yes, that Rupert!
I mean, Janet, do I have to tell you what a headcase this guy is? He promised me like a hundred times we’d go to your party. And then last minute, he refuses to land his jet in a city ‘full of guys who want to look like Cher.”I told him, “A vow is a vow,” and he says, “so ,you’re shocked that I lied?” Then—and this is sort of embarrassing—he went and told an anchor on CNN how proud he was of the enemies he’d made, and—oopsie—I think you may have been one of them.
I know, Janet, I should have stayed away from supply side. You warned me. But you have no idea what it’s like to have sex with that much money! It’s like looting every last piece at Cartier and then going to a massive cocktail party on the roof, because the 1% knows, Why Pay Retail!
Anyhoo, back to this bank thing. I’m running a bit cash-negative, Janet. No biggie, just $4.6 bill. (That’s like million but with a b.) Honestly, I don’t know what happened. The money was there a week ago. My BF says it’s Wall Street playing head games with my cash.
That’s why I’m glad I can turn to you, Janet. I know head games are your thing, ever since you psyched out those guys from Delta Tau who tried to lure us into their dark pool. Boy did they run when you said “Payment for order flow!” And believe me, when you talk about payment, they know which way it’s gonna flow.
I know, you’re thinking, “You, a private bank? I thought you were a fashion journalist!” Yes, Janet. I was a fashion journalist. But then I discovered how much money you can make running a bank. I mean, given the numbers, it would be insane not to do it! Just look at Jared Leto and Snoop Dogg.
I’d ask my boyfriend to back up the money, but he’s completely cashed out from backing up HIS bank. Not to mention my Cavapoo, who’s also in the hole. It’s unreal. Anyway, Janet, I hope you’ll step in.
Speaking of money, my Palm Beach dining club is looking for a VIP to toast at our winter gala. Do you think you could save a few more institutions between now and next December? I’d love to nominate you!
Oh, and don’t worry if you can’t cover the whole bank thing. I also met this totally cool guy, George, who’s somewhere in the house of representatives. Whatever. George says he can help me set up a campaign fund—your guess is as good as mine what that is. Supposedly getting the first 750 grand will be a piece of cake.
Just think, Janet, if you help me plug this financial hole, we can make up for lost time with a gal pal trip to Canyon Ranch Spa. The bill will be on me, no problem.
Either way, you are the bestest everrr. So please get back to me, girlfriend. My Rolex is ticking.
XOXO,
Your lady bud, Staycee