The lot is jam-packed. Any free parking space is a bottleneck of four different cars fighting to the death. Inside, the aisles are a perfect game of shopping cart Tetris, operated by lumbering, corralled beasts.
The shoppers – in a confused daze, plagued by fleeting bouts of amnesia and a general slipping of reality – cling to their carts like one would cling to a storm-swept mast at sea. The whites of their eyes reveal their fragile and disparaged state.
Time dilation here is severe. The employees are too happy, unsettlingly so, greeting you with the fervor and zeal of how a seasoned cultist might greet a potential initiate. I check the back of their necks for glyphs; I see none but remain suspicious. I do not feel safe here. Their chocolate peanut butter cups are pretty damn good.
Here are the five tips for making it out of Trader Joe’s alive
- Park illegally. Anywhere. The crosswalk, the sidewalk, halfway through the entrance. It. Does. Not. Matter. You’ll be long gone by the time the tow truck arrives if you adhere to this guide.
- Stick to the outskirts. The center of a spider’s web is the most perilous. If you must grab something from the center aisles, DO NOT BRING YOUR SHOPPING CART. The further in towards the center you go, the harder your escape becomes. Trying to do so with a cart in tow is practically a death sentence. Leave your cart tucked in a corner, preferably booby-trapped so it does not get sucked into the fray. I find wrapping the handle in barbed wire to be sufficient in a pinch.
- Avoid eye contact. Especially with employees. They are highly trained in psychological manipulation. By trapping you in an exchange of friendly banter, they allow time for listless shoppers to surround you like a herd of wandering buffalo, forcing you to peruse items until you work up the nerve to charge through the mindless brutes. Recall the Greek myth of Medusa and act accordingly.
- Crawl on top of the aisles rather than in-between them. Cater your meal plan to whatever is within reach. Be ready to deliver a swift kick to any shoppers or employees who try to pull you down into the undertow; crawling on all fours will provide the best traction. Stay moving.
- Do not under any circumstance get in line. You will be forced to endure hours of light-hearted and empathetic chatter at the cash register. Simply throw a sufficient wad of bills at the cashier and bolt for the door – time is much more valuable than money in your escape. Use the shopping cart in a dump-truck fashion to unload your groceries into the trunk, and high-tail it outta there. Pray you did not forget the eggs.