The much-anticipated Second Coming of Jesus, originally scheduled for 2023, has been postponed, according to sources close to Jesus ben Joseph of Nazareth. The Prince of Light, who is said to have 2.38 billion followers and the ability to perform miracles, has been unable to find an affordable rental anyplace on earth.
I caught up with Jesus at a Starbucks in Morocco. Hey, I’m not homeless for lack of trying, he told me. And I’m not fussy. No wifi? Been there. Outdoor plumbing? So be it. Did you know I was born in a stable? But I need a place within which I can meet with my followers—some of whom will expect functioning appliances and walls which aren’t completely made out of the mold. And we all know there’s not much space in a cardboard box—which, by the way, is where most of humanity is headed and that’s if people are lucky. Rents, worldwide, they’re meshugenah.
Jesus blessed his barista, South Sudan, the disappearing polar ice caps, a guy distributing free toothbrushes in Alirajpur, homeless shelters, rape crisis centers, Doctors without Borders, Dolly Parton, and Greta Thunberg. Then we made our way to a table and chairs outside. Jesus sat down and sighed, I wouldn’t mind a rental with its own ritual immersion pool and an incense altar. He took a contemplative sip of his Caffe Americano. And I’d love to be within walking distance of a beach.
I was really hoping to find an affordable rental in Jerusalem,” Jesus ben Joseph of Nazareth went on. Regrettably, real estate’s always been an issue in the Middle East. My earthly parents, Joseph and Mary, were frustrated by the lack of affordable housing in the Middle East even before I was born. They’ve just retired to a small town in Arkansas where the cost of housing, according to Zillow, is only slightly less than the GDP of a medium-sized EU nation. I’m really gonna miss Mom’s fresh-baked challah at Shabbos.
Where else have you searched for a rental? I asked.
The Bread of Life revealed that after being unable to find an affordable rental in Jerusalem, he and a dozen of his closest disciples shared the hallway of a two-bedroom Airbnb in Florentine, south of old Jaffa Port, in Israel. The Mediterranean is glorious,” Jesus said. “Kinda wondering, though, what happened to all the fish?
After that, we lived in a sublet in Ramallah, in the Palestinian Territories. The cost of its rentals are low, but the stress there is high. Just an aside, you ever taste musakhan? It’s A-MAZE!
Jesus stared into infinity.
What was next for the Lamb of God?
My disciples and I decided to widen our search for an affordable rental to Kyiv, which has been repeatedly clobbered by invaders since the start of the Stone Age. And Tibet, which the Peoples’ Republic of China has been particularly interested in crushing since 1951. We’re also open to cities such as Detroit, which have been devastated by the blistering indifference of the more privileged demographics in the U.S.A. But all are potentially affordable. Speaking of which, there’s an Apache reservation in Arizona that’s been almost destroyed by the dumping of industrial toxins by non-Apache people.
There’d still be that long commute to Jerusalem. But y’all have video chat technology now, right?
Speaking of modern technology, I was recently offered a gig at Netflix Studios in Brooklyn. Couldn’t swing it, though. Renting in Bushwick costs more than SpaceX is charging to visit outer space.
I asked Jesus if he was considering giving up on a second coming to earth.
My mission is to usher in a Reign of Justice from somewhere in the Middle East, Jesus told me, ideally from Jerusalem. So, no, I haven’t given up. Well, not yet. He looked sad. Thing is, I gotta face facts. The rental situation is dire. We couldn’t even afford a co-living tent in Yemen. Turned out, being under constant threat of rocket attack would cost extra.
Last week, one of my disciples, Peter, found a Cypriot Facebook site listing an affordable sub-basement studio without sunlight or washer-dryer hookups. I should have known better, but I couldn’t help getting excited. I let myself hope. I responded to the listing via Facebook Messenger, leaving a comment expressing my interest and mentioning that I was a responsible tenant.
This led to a flame-fest with the Prince of Darkness. Which wasn’t fun. I’m beginning to suspect an affordable rental simply doesn’t exist anyplace on earth. Plus, the Prince of Darkness is still sending me ironic memes, which I seriously don’t have the time or energy for— I need to get cracking. Personal networks, real estate company come-ons, and online rental apps don’t search themselves.
I really thought 2023 was gonna be my year, Jesus said. Exponentially life-threatening climate chaos and COVID, an astounding number of species extinctions, millions of your fellow humans oppressed by slavery, starving, without access to drinkable water….
Seriously, I wonder if humanity has ever really understood a word I’ve said.
Jesus finished his Café Americano and returned his reusable cup to his biodegradable, fair-trade, sustainably-harvested, handwoven hemp pack. I’d love to stay and chat with you, he said, standing. But I gotta bounce. Just got a WhatsApp from Mom saying she heard there might be affordable housing in a cave outside Lourdes, a small provincial French town famed for its miraculous spring.
