We caught up with the billionaire to hear what shenanigans he has in store for 2023.
Hmm… What do I want to work on in 2023? I mean, aren’t I already working on a lot? [Elon laughs nervously]
Yeah, I mean look. Do you want an answer? Okay, I’ll give you an answer. You know, with Twitter and everything happening there, I just want to keep people entertained. Look, people will say all kinds of terrible things about me online, but what I think is really happening there is that they love me. They love what I bring to the table. So I’ve got to ramp up the entertainment factor ten times!
Okay, next on the list. Umm, I guess I want to try working out more. No no, that’s not right. That’s cliché, everybody says that. Hmm, well in the last decade, I’ve had more children than I ever could have imagined, and I’m so grateful for all of them. I would say that one of my resolutions would be to have another child with Claire [Grimes’ real name]. I mean, I want to be generous, you know? If I’ve got sperm in the bank, I’m willing to share! I’m willing to share until it all runs out.
And just to clarify on that last point, because I know I’ll get in some kind of trouble on Twitter if I don’t explicate- I just want to say, I’m so grateful for all the children I’ve been blessed with, I couldn’t imagine my life without them.
And I also couldn’t imagine life without my infinite supply of ever-ready, uhh, ever-ready-to-germinate sperm. I’m so grateful for them [he gently leans down, eyes closed, smiling, to caress his cheek against his dick].
What else? I actually literally just had this conversation with Claire. She told me my new year’s resolution should be to spend more time repairing my relationships with people here on Earth and less time thinking about how to get them onto Mars. I mean, people don’t realize how much I do for them. I’m over here trying to build reusable space crafts to fly people to inhabit a whole other planet. And they’re worried about me contributing to some of the worst wealth disparity gaps humankind has ever seen? Come on, give me a break!
Oh also, for the record, I’m not guilty of any kind of economic inequality, whatsoever. People should be thanking me, no, praising me actually, for creating jobs and getting rid of useless ones, like half of Twitter’s positions.
What’s funny about the Twitter layoffs, [he laughs] I would just see the names of departments, like “Quality Control for Ensuring Safe Content for Adolescents”, and just clear house. I mean, that’s up to parents for deciding if their kid wants to be exposed to unfiltered content. Ain’t my job!
What’s that? You asked for “serious” new year’s resolutions? C’mon man, what do you think I’m doing? These are serious, no-bullshit answers! When do I ever bullshit anyone? I get it, you’re probably looking for answers like “make the world a better place, spend more time with kids, stop drinking…”
But the truth is, I don’t need to improve upon much. That’s what people don’t understand. While they’re pining to be better people or getting healthier, I’ve already achieved perfection. That’s why people should be really, really grateful that I spend so much time working for the good of humanity. I’m trying to clean up other people’s lives for them!
Like, I don’t have to be doing all this stuff. Instead of building electric cars or aircraft, I could be jetting around the world in a private plane doing fuck all. Oh, wait, actually scratch that [he laughs nervously once again], I sort of already do that.
But you know what I mean! I could be doing God knows what and instead I’m trying to build something here, to achieve technological greatness. Look, I’m a good guy. I’m just asking for people to give me a shot, and don’t worry about my new year’s resolutions. I don’t have any. I don’t believe in that shit. I’m already awesome.