There’s this great bit in the bible, I think maybe in the book of Genesis or Exesis, or something. I don’t own a Bible but I’m pretty sure it goes like this.
Then Pharaoh asked Joseph what these dreams meant,
And Joseph, guided by the Lord, answered,
That the seven fatted cows stood for seven years of bountiful harvest,
And the seven gaunt and sickly cows stood for seven years of famine, which would follow after.
Pharaoh heard his words, and said,
Lo, he has seen the truth,
For each of the seven bountiful years, let us set aside a fifth of the harvest,
So that it may carry us through the seven years of famine.
And Pharaoh’s court nodded and agreed,
And Joseph smiled and gave thanks to the Lord.
Then the High Priest spoke up, and said,
Hang on,
Does he actually know that, though?
Because it sounds like he just made it up.
But Joseph said,
My wisdom comes not from me, but from the Lord my God,
Who would not lead me astray.
And the High Priest said,
Right, sure. And I get that,
But maybe he did this time.
For after all, does not Ra, who leads the sun across the sky,
Sometimes get lost in his path?
(He was talking about a solar eclipse,
But they did not have the words for it back then.)
Pharaoh heard his words, and said,
Be at peace.
I trust in the words of Joseph,
And even if he is wrong,
It will not hurt us to take greater care.
Then Joseph said,
Like with climate change.
And Pharaoh said,
Hmm?
And Joseph said,
Don’t worry about it,
Unrelated prophecy.
Then the High Priest said,
See,
This is the kind of shit I’m talking about.
He just says weird shit and then everyone is like,
Oh, cool,
Let’s all listen to the Hebrew kid with the funky coat.
And he lifted his sceptre,
To strike Joseph and cast him out.
But Pharaoh did intercede, and cry,
Be cool, Pahemnetjer,
Why are you making such a big deal out of this?
And the High Priest did reply,
I’m just saying,
It’s a big decision to make based on a dream,
Which is just a dream, and nothing more.
The chief cupbearer heard his words, and he did groan,
And Pharaoh heard his groan and said,
What?
And the chief cupbearer replied,
This is about the pig dream again.
And Pharaoh did slap his hand against his forehead, and cry,
Oh, god, the pig dream,
How did I forget about that?
Then Joseph, who even still stood before Pharaoh’s throne, did say,
What’s the pig dream?
And the High Priest replied,
I don’t want to talk about the pig dream.
But Pharaoh did frown, and said,
It came to pass that I had a dream,
In which seven fatted pigs walked out across the banks of the Nile,
And then seven gaunt and sickly pigs arose from the mud,
And turned on the fat pigs, and ate them whole.
Then Joseph said,
That sounds a lot like the cow dream.
But Pharaoh raised a finger, and said,
Up-bup-bup,
Not finished yet.
In the dream, I turned my head,
And saw the High Priest with another pig,
And he was kissing the pig,
And stroking its back.
And it was very weird.
Then the chief cupbearer nodded, and said,
I haven’t been able to look at him the same way.
And the High Priest did turn to him, and say,
Don’t you have some cups to bear?
But the chief cupbearer shrugged a shoulder,
As if to say, who, me?
Then the High Priest said, well, anyway,
It was just a dream, and nothing more.
And Joseph heard his words, and said,
Mm, I don’t know,
God tells me there is truth in the cow dream,
And the pig dream is essentially the same,
So it seems that both are true,
And even in the High Priest kissing a pig,
Truth is there as well.
But the High Priest stood, and said,
Excuse me, when did it begin,
That we all worship the Israelite god?
What’s he ever done, anyway? Sent a flood?
The Nile floods every year,
And it’s actually good for the crops.
Then Pharaoh pointed to Joseph and said,
He’s got a point,
I’ve got to side with the pig kisser on this one.
And Joseph did shrug his shoulders and say,
Fine,
I mean, sure. Fine.
I’m a slave either way, so, whatever.
And it came to pass that seven years went by, and no surplus crops were stored,
And on the eighth year, the first harvest arrived,
And the High Priest saw that it was bountiful,
And that the dream interpreted by Joseph had proven false,
And in triumph, he did run to the throne room,
But before his eyes, he saw Pharaoh, Joseph, and the chief cupbearer,
And in each man’s arms, there was a pig,
And they were kissing the pigs.
